


Accomplice

by Kazeshini77



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M, Origin Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-19 20:34:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 43,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1482988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kazeshini77/pseuds/Kazeshini77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Power is not obtained by brute steel alone. True strength is forged in the soldier’s heart and even the dullest blade can be made to shine when refined in the spirit of brotherhood.”                                          </p>
<p>—Erwin Smith, 13th Commander, Survey Corps</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I first started writing this back in Sept. 2013 but life got in the way. I'm picking it up again because I can't stand to leave a story unfinished and I don't like the drive of "A Choice With No Regrets". This is an origin AU told from Erwin's point of view so be prepared for a slow burn. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Comments and criticisms are welcome.

A heavy silence rolled its impenetrable bulk between us. Breathless and confounded, I waited. A crisp breeze buffeted through the open window tousling Leah’s hair, concealing her expression in a haze of red curls. She brushed the wayward strands aside and I immediately noticed that her eyes had grown wide and transparent and damp. Before her lips could even part to form the words, I wanted to cover them, and still them, and freeze us forever in the golden afternoon. But she found herself despite me, her voice trembling in the wake of my rapidly cooling fervor.

“I’m sorry, Erwin, but I can’t accept your proposal.” Hesitant but firm. A blur of contradictions. She had planned for this. However prepared, though, the cracks still showed.

“I don’t understand.” I managed to keep my voice even while my stomach dropped. “What’s changed?” 

“My parents have made other arrangements with the Harcourt family. I’m to marry their middle son, Phillip, next month.” Even as she said the words she held tightly to my hand. I glanced down at the fingers interlaced with mine, her knuckles nearly white.

Leah was leaving. Leah. Her letters of encouragement had spurred me through three years of brutal training and now our paths were diverging. And for what? The comfort of a mundane life in the capital, married to some boorish upstart?

“Things would have been different if you were joining the Military Police or the Garrison but when I told my parents that you had signed up for the Corps they—well, they made my mind up for me.”

A part of me couldn’t help but silently concede that they were right to do so. Even though I had been adopted into a solid middleclass family and graduated at the top of my trainee division, I was still just a Smith—Lukas-Smith to be precise. Hyphenated or not, ‘Smith’ was a stain that would never come clean. I had nothing to offer Leah except earnestness and loyalty, qualities that in her parents’ eyes at least did not stand up next to wealth and good breeding. Who was I to ask her to settle for such an uncertain future? I couldn’t even guarantee that I would survive beyond my first expedition.

“I found out only recently myself. I didn’t want to tell you in a letter, not when you were so close to coming home, not when we’ve known each other so long.”

I realized she was merely talking to fill the silence. She had been waiting for me to say something, but for all my cleverness I was struck stupidly mute. Her lips were still awkwardly trying to find some way to say good-bye but I had stopped listening, my mind racing ahead. Perhaps there was some way I could change my station, make this right. It was a false hope at best. Even if there was a way, I knew Leah wouldn’t let me. Disregarding my convictions was simply unacceptable, and yet they somehow seemed so flimsy when faced with a future that did not include her. Again I became aware of another interminable pause in which her eyes made a silent appeal. All I could do was sit there with my jaw slack like some dumbfounded school-boy. What could I possibly say to abate her sorrow or ventilate how wholly dispossessed I felt?

Before I could affect some pathetic attempt at stoic resignation and withdraw with what was left of my worthless pride, Leah pulled me to her. After that her name was all I could manage. I murmured it over and over as she kissed me through her tears. There in the huddled loft above the tack room—the spartan space where we had spent so many drowsy afternoons plotting clandestine adventures and swapping secrets—we made love for the first and last time.


	2. Chapter 2

“SMITH!”

The commander’s bellowing jarred me out of my reverie. I had been projecting about who I could and couldn’t afford to lose in the upcoming expedition when Commander Boroi called my name. I looked up and saw him striding toward me with his jaw set in a hard line that was anything but encouraging.

“Commander Boroi, Sir,” I said, snapping to attention.

“At ease, Smith,” he grumbled, waving dismissively. Alexander Boroi was a rough man, not one who readily conformed to the pretenses of formality. He always seemed more comfortable in the field than he did behind a desk and if it hadn’t been for the previous commander getting swallowed whole by a titan he would have happily spent the remainder of his numbered days as a squad captain and I as his second.

“What can I do for you, Sir?” I asked.

“How’s your squad? The trainees catching up?” He squinted into the rising sun, casting a dubious eye over the training grounds.

“They’re coming along well enough,” I replied, trying to sound optimistic. Several members of my team had expired during our last outing and their replacements were still wet behind the ears. I was trying my best to bring them up to snuff but their shortcomings had me concerned. There would be losses in the next expedition, that much was certain. At this point I was just trying to minimize the damage.

“Really? They look a bit mealy if you ask me,” he grumbled.

“Yes, well I’m doing the best I can with the resources I’ve been given, Sir.” A hint of the strain I felt came across in my tone and the commander eyed me with a half-cocked grin.

“Don’t go cracking on me, Smith, you’re one of the best I’ve got. I need you a while longer.”

“Yes—”

“Which brings me to why I tracked you down in the first place,” he said, cutting me off. 

“We’ve got just about four weeks till our next little safari. No doubt the losses will be heavy. We ought to be proactive and get some recruits in here before the spots open up.”

“What about supplies, Sir?”

“The supplies have been coming in on time for a change so we can afford to feed a few extra mouths. Besides, I’m not expecting you to come back with a hundred head, just a couple dozen, enough to give us some padding.”

“Pardon me, Sir, but did you say you wanted ‘me’ to bring back a couple dozen?” I asked, baffled.

“That’s right. You and Zacharius are going to head over to the Garrison jail in Shiganshina and hand-pick us some winners. They’re packed in like sardines over there and the warden wrote me asking for some relief.”

“Of course, Sir.”

“You have a keen eye, Smith. Bring us some survivors,” he said, clapping me on the shoulder. “Not like the milk-fed lot we got from Sina’s pen,” he huffed, shaking his head as he made his departure.

“Yes, Sir,” I barked, saluting his back and still wondering why the change. The commander usually combed the jails himself, often taking Captain Zacharius with him. Perhaps he thought it time I took on more responsibility. Or maybe he just felt like shirking his for the afternoon.

I looked out across the training grounds and spotted my second, Evette Renaud, on a platform adjusting the gear on one of our cadets. Evette was a small woman, compact and centered, a genius in the gear with a mind to match her physical prowess. Our rapport had been easy back when we were both trainees and she was the most obvious choice for a second after my promotion. It lingered in my mind still that she should have made captain instead of me. Evette was the backbone of our squad and she knew it. In an odd way it kept me honest. Every second we spent together I felt fortunate beyond my due. I started in her direction and the sea of soldiers engaged in hand-to-hand exercises parted before me. The hiss and clatter of maneuver gear sounded above and I glanced up through a calculated maze of wires and far-flung limbs. Evette noted my crossing as she patted the cadet on the back, sending him on his way. She dropped lightly from the platform, landing with knees flexed, and started toward me. We met halfway, her gold-green eyes questioning.

“What’s up?” she asked nonchalantly. She often took liberties with our familiarity and at the moment I hadn’t the care to put her in line.

“The commander’s asked me to go recruiting with Zacharius. You’ve got the cadets this afternoon. Go over—”

“Formation maneuvers. Yeah, I got it, they need the practice on horseback,” she finished, her eyes scanning me, taking me in whole and then settling expectantly.

“We’ll discuss damage control later,” I added, dropping my voice.

“Of course, is there anything else?” she prompted, almost needling. Her intuition was uncanny at times.

“Let me know if Boroi goes offsite or has any visitors today.”

“Sure,” she nodded, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.

“I expect a full report when I get back, lieutenant,” I snapped, falling into a brusque, animated salute that was mostly for show. I did, after all, have a reputation to keep up. Somehow the cadets had come to think of me as a stickler for convention and it amused the hell out of me, Evette too.

“Sir!” she shouted, her tight frame springing instantly into model form, the hint of a smirk tickling the corner of her mouth. It was a private taunt, something that no one but me would notice. I made note of it and resolved to reprimand her later.

~*~

The Survey Corps was full of eccentrics, Michael Zacharius included. Little evaded his acute awareness, making him one of the Corps’ strongest assets. He could quite literally sniff out everything from titans, to charlatans, to good recruits. We first met as trainees, the foundation of our relationship built on shaky ground. I was standing in line at mess when the big gangly guy behind me leaned over and buried his nose in my hair. My knee-jerk reaction led to Mike’s infamous nose being broken. Later, when we were confined to neighboring cells in the stockade, Mike took responsibility for his misstep and introduced himself properly.

“I’m sorry for punching you, but seriously, what the hell were you doing?” My apology came off sounding a little more indignant than I had meant it to.

“Getting to know you,” he replied casually, as if nuzzling one’s fellow trainees was the most natural thing in the world. I couldn’t see his face and had no idea whether he was joking or not.

“Well, my name’s Erwin Smith. If there’s anything else you want to know about me, just ask.” I thrust an arm out between the bars and he reached for my hand. Our fingers barely touched but we managed half a shake.

“Where are you from, Erwin Smith?” he asked.

“Stohess District, what about you?” I replied.

“Stohess?” He sounded confused, which seemed unlikely considering the narrow geography of our world.

“Yeah, why?”

“You don’t smell like it.”

He was really serious about the whole sniffing thing. “What do I smell like, then?”

“Fresh air. Cold mountains.”

I shook my head and allowed myself a rueful smile. Mike was a sharp one. “I was born in Rose’s southern mountains, not far from Trost, but was orphaned at an early age.”

“Hence the ‘Smith’.”

“It’s actually ‘Lukas-Smith’ but I dropped the ‘Lukas’ when I enlisted.”

“What made you do that?”

“My adoptive family didn’t exactly approve of my joining the military. They wanted me to take over their livery in Stohess but I…” I rubbed the back of my neck and leaned against the concrete wall separating us.

“Want to go outside,” Mike finished for me. 

I was never quite sure if he deduced that from my scent or if it was just a lucky guess but by the time our trainee days were over he shared my desire.

~*~

“Is there anything I should look for?” I called over my shoulder as the prison came into view.

Mike spurred his horse up next to mine. “Hmm. I don’t know. I never trust my eyes with anything of import.” There were rumors that Mike was partially blind which would account for the acuteness of his other senses but I could never get him or his lieutenant, who also happened to be one of our lead medics, to give me a straight answer. Hange always fell back on the excuse that I’d known Mike just as long as her so if I didn’t know then she certainly didn’t. And so Mike’s mystique continued to grow.

“There’s usually a prepared list—prisoners slated for execution, volunteers, that sort of thing. Their paperwork should be in order when we get there. We’ll review the recommendations, reject any that aren’t a good fit and obtain signed consent on those that are,” Mike explained. 

“I see.”

His eyes roved over me briefly. “After all these years I still can’t tell if you really do underestimate your own ability or if you just want other people to think you do.”

“Wrong on both counts,” I chuckled.

Mike crinkled his nose and sniffed almost suspiciously. “Just go with your gut, Erwin. Pick the ones who you think will have your back, not stab you in it.” He clucked to his horse and cantered ahead of the wagons, hailing the guard gate.

~*~

The halls below were dank and smelled of neglect. No wonder Mike had left me to the bowels of the prison while he skimmed the upper levels. “We’ve had more volunteers than usual due to the overcrowding but it’s still not enough to sufficiently empty our cells,” the guard griped as he escorted me through the barred door leading to the west wing.

“Or fill our vacancies,” I added. The jailer grunted in reply.

“This is where we keep our dissidents, the ones who don’t play well with others.” The place had the feel of a crypt.

“That doesn’t sound very promising. We need men who are at least capable and willing.”

“Then you’ll be wanting this fine specimen,” he said, leading me to a shadowed cell about a quarter of the way down the hall. “I knew he’d be right for the Corps the minute he was brought in.”

A faint patch of light crept in through the too small, too high cell window and fell on the delicate angles of the prisoner’s hand. A cigarette was pinched between forefinger and thumb. Smoke curled languidly in the sickly light. The hand withdrew into shadow, the cigarette glowed.

“And why’s that?” I muttered as I peered into the gloom. Despite the overcrowding the inmate was alone in his cell.

“He’s already familiar with the gear,” the guard snorted.

I turned, frowning. “Is he a deserter?”

“Nah, he headed up a smuggling ring. Name’s Levi Smith. Been selling stolen arms for a while now. He’s damn wily too. They had to shoot the little bastard out of the sky.”

“Is he fit?” I asked, astonished.

The guard shrugged. “Medics patched him up alright. Levi, get over here and let the man have a look at you,” he growled.

The prisoner rose unsteadily to his feet and limped to the front of the cell. I was immediately taken aback by his condition. He wasn’t merely wounded, the boy was a study in decomposition. Levi stood for inspection, quietly composed, resting his weight on his good leg but sweating with the effort, or fever, or both. The other leg had a seeping bullet wound just above the knee. It was covered in dirty bandages and smelled of disease. His complexion was grey, his hair a matted tangle of pitch and sticks. He pulled on the cigarette, fingers trembling slightly, and licked at the whitish paste collecting in the chapped corners of his bloodless lips. Despite being on the verge of collapse Levi’s eyes burned with a fierce arrogance.

“He’s deplorable but I’ll take him.” I wasn’t sure if the leg could be saved but I certainly couldn’t leave the boy to rot. To show me his gratitude, Levi rallied the last of his spite, curled his lips and spat in my face. 

The guard flared, cracking his baton against the bars. “Get back you ignorant cur!” he snarled.

Without flinching I returned the boy’s defiant glare. A slow, malicious grin spread like a sickness across his cracked lips as he receded back into the shadows, his hollow eyes gripping mine with all the loathing and distrust of humanity. It was a look I had seen time and again in the faces of the citizens who greeted us after every expedition—families demanding retribution for their dead and getting none. It was not enough to say that our meeting chilled me. It left me with a confusion of elation and dread. I had found what I came looking for: a survivor. Levi would make a remarkable soldier as long as he didn’t set out to kill us all first.


	3. Chapter 3

“The commander went offsite today just as you predicted. What’s that about?” Evette took a tentative seat on the edge of my bed. She was still dusty, still smelling faintly of horses, still salty with sweat and still absolutely stunning.

“Not sure,” I knelt in front of her and motioned for her to hand me her left foot. She braced herself against the bed as I pulled off her tall-boot. “He didn’t say where he was going?” I asked as I gently rotated the tension out of her ankle.

“No, and he hasn’t come back yet, either.” She lifted her right leg and I removed that boot as well.

“Did you check with the office?” I rubbed her foot and she tilted her head to one side, the tiniest bit of mischief dimpling her cheek.

“Sure, right after I got my hair done.” She made a sweeping gesture over her soiled uniform. “As you can see, we just finished maneuvers.”

“There it is again.” I did my best to sound annoyed but Evette immediately saw where I was headed.

“There’s what again?” she quipped, feigning wide-eyed innocence.

“Don’t think it escaped me earlier.”

She shook her head with brisk denial. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about the smarmy little grin that you think I don’t see.”

“Oh, you mean this smarmy little grin?” She gave an exaggerated demonstration.

“That’s the one,” I nodded before continuing gravely. “You know, Lieutenant Renaud, it undermines my authority when you mock me in front the cadets like that.”

“So what are you going to do about it, Captain Smith? Are you going to discipline me?” she purred, snapping the gear straps cradling her hips.

“Certainly not, you would enjoy that too much,” I snorted. Evette yanked her foot out of my hand and kicked me square in the chest. I tumbled backward, choking on my laughter as I motioned breathlessly for her to stand. “Has there been any further word on Nanaba’s promotion?” I unbuckled her thigh straps while she went to work on the upper-body fastenings.

“Still no firm date but she’ll make lieutenant before the next outing. Shadis needs her more than we do.”

“Wonderful,” I groaned, frustrated that one of our best was being poached by another team right before the expedition. More and more I found myself questioning our commander’s competence. His poor logistical planning often amounted to more than mere inconvenience, it set us up for failure.

“Well, we’ve been worse off,” Evette sighed wearily. “What about the jailbirds?”

“What about them?” I muttered, loosening her lower leg fittings.

Evette balanced a hand on my shoulder as she stepped out of the harness and let it drop to the floor. “Any potential?” she asked, looking down at me, eyes hopeful.

“There’s a boy, he’s wounded, though. I doubt he’ll be ready in time,” I said, rising from my crouched position.

“I should think not, even if he wasn’t injured. Are you ready to finalize the formation assignments?” Her fingers worked swiftly over the buttons of my shirt.

“Maybe later,” I murmured as I untucked hers. She raised her arms in a long languorous stretch and I lifted the tunic over her head.

“Then tell me about this kid you scouted,” she yawned.

“He’s unwieldy and disrespectful but supposedly he already has a bit of experience with the gear,” I said, plucking the pins from her hair. The dark curtain tumbled past the gentle slope of her shoulders, a warm compliment to her fair skin.

“Well that’ll give him a leg up so long as we can instill some discipline in him,” she chirped optimistically.

I smoothed her hair and she lifted her gaze to mine, the tension around her eyes belying her confidence. We never spoke of our fears prior to an expedition. The dangers were so commonplace that such discourse seemed pointless if not counterproductive. During these scarce moments of intimacy, though, they floated near the surface, plainly visible and wanting attention.

“Four weeks,” her voice barely a husk.

I declined to offer either validation or comfort as I bowed to meet her lips. Worrying over the grains left in our hourglass was a miserly indulgence at best. When every breath is so dire, time can hardly be treated as an appropriate measure of life.

_~*~_

_The valley roiled below them, an ocean of undulating green lapping against the seemingly impenetrable wall. One of the boys dropped from his mount and crouched in the tall grass just beyond the tree line. He turned his attention east while motioning for the others to stay put. The girl leaned forward in her saddle, craning her neck. Through the trees several titans could be seen lumbering aimlessly around the base of the wall. After a time, the boy returned to his companions and climbed back into the saddle. The four children discussed their options in hushed and urgent whispers, as if the titans below could somehow detect their voices._

_We can wait and go over at night._

_Do we even have enough gas for a climb that high?_

_There seems to be a gate._

_No, no gates._

_Do what you like, I’m staying here._

_What do you mean?_

_There’s no way I’m going in there._

_Right now it’s our best chance._

_If we go in there we’re never coming back out._

_You can’t know that._

_Where will you go?_

_Home._

_We have no home._

_Then away, as far as this horse will carry me. There has to be something left somewhere along the ridge. I can’t believe it’s all gone._

_At least wait until night._

_It will be safer then._

_The girl turned her horse and took one last look over her shoulder._

_Anything is safer than going in there._

_They watched her go, faith spurring her steed into the already darkening wood. The sun dipped down into the mountains setting the entire range ablaze. Its coral glow flared across the alabaster wall, throwing monstrous shadows into the forest. The little band of three rode hard for the fortress (which bobbed tauntingly away from their advance) until one by one they were picked off by hulking hands and tombstone teeth._

_~*~_

My eyes were damp when I opened them, my heart railing against my chest. I sat up and checked the clock on the nightstand, just past 0200. Still much too early to rise. I fished in the drawer beneath the clock, pulled out a pouch of tobacco and rolled myself a cigarette. It was not a habit I often indulged and the tobacco was near stale. I removed the chair from my writing desk and set it beneath the only window in the room. The window was already open but I pushed it wider before anxiously lighting the cigarette. The cool night air was sobering. The nearly full moon begged for an audience so I parted the curtains and let her in. From this vantage point the wall was not visible and it gave the illusion that we were outside, that we were free.

_Are you still free?_ I asked the girl’s ghost. Her hair had been pale blonde, near silver like tonight’s moon. I scrutinized the shadowy craters, tried to fit them into some semblance of my friend’s features but found only the ethereal lady smiling down on me.

“What’s keeping you up?” Evette asked, her hand touching my shoulder.

I flinched, startled. “Just dreams,” I muttered passing her the cigarette and squeezing the warm hand that rested on my shoulder.

“Heinrich, again?” she asked, exhaling a smoky veil across the moon’s benevolent smile.

My eyes jumped to hers then back across the fields. “No, not this time,” I murmured, taking the cigarette back. The mention of my brother’s name still pained me. It was a wound that refused to heal despite the medicinal balm of time. I wrapped an arm around Evette’s bare waist and pulled her closer. She followed my draw and slid easily into my lap. I turned my face into her neck inhaling the sweetness of her skin, a soothing balm in itself.

“It’s ok to remember,” she said gently. Her lips touched my hair, my eyelids, my cheeks and once again I found myself sinking into the fastness of her love.


	4. Chapter 4

“I heard you were hungry.” I tired to sound cheerful while suppressing the urge to throw the plate of stew at the obstinate little bastard.

Levi was taking water but that was all, and it showed. Medicine had saved his leg but the rest of him was withering. There seemed to be barely anything at all beneath the blankets that covered his frail body. He appeared comfortable, though, serene even. Emaciation had lent him a certain self-satisfied peace and he contemplated me from beneath heavy lids as I pulled up a chair and placed the steaming plate on the bedside table.

“This must be posh living compared to what you’re used to,” I said, fingering one leather wrist-cuff. Even though Levi was refusing nourishment he still somehow had enough stamina to warrant restraints. “At least it’s cleaner than the Garrison’s dungeon. That is why you volunteered isn’t it? To save your leg from gangrene while you planned your next move?”

Pale eyes followed me disinterestedly as I picked up the plate again. “You don’t mind do you? I haven’t had lunch yet and there’s no point in letting it go to waste.” I began eating, all the while imagining him healthy, his skills honed. A destructive force roiled within him and I aimed to tap it. First, though, I needed to convince him to direct that impetus at something other than himself.

“I hate to disappoint you but you won’t be escaping and you're not going to die—well, not here anyway. So let's review your options: you can start eating on your own or you can suffer a feeding tube. Either way, you will be nourished and you will live—at least long enough to accompany us on an expedition or two. So which would you like, stew or tube?” I swallowed another bite and watched him carefully. Wary, feral eyes shifted back and forth between the plate and my own steady gaze, then (much to my surprise) his lips parted in a gesture that was near plaintive. I offered him a spoonful of stew and he readily sipped the rich broth—slowly rolling it around in his dour little mouth (presumably savoring his petty victory) before spitting it back at my face. I stared in disbelief. This was the second time in nearly a week. Apparently words were too good for me. I was mulling over this special brand of absurdity when the laughter welled up. It was all I could do to keep from coming undone. The briefest glimpse of a smile in the boy’s otherwise dull eyes only further encouraged my hysterics as I mopped up. “The tube it is then,” I grinned, wiping a smudge of grease from his chin. “One of these days I must teach you some civility.”

“You could use a couple lessons in decorum yourself.” The sound of his voice startled me. It was rusty, like a rarely used tool.

“Pardon?” I asked, the smile abandoning my face to chase after the one fading from his eyes.

He cleared his throat and when he spoke again his voice sounded less like a rusty saw and more like sandpaper. It was a slight improvement. “Are you going to properly introduce yourself or should I just call you 'asshole'?”

“I’m sure you’ll have several such names for me before we’re through but the one you should address me by is Captain Erwin Smith.”

“Ah, always nice to meet a fellow cumstain. I’m Levi Smith, but you already knew that.” A sort of smug malevolence settled over him then. His amusement surely came from the fact that we both bore the damning Smith name, as if that leveled the field somehow. Levi extended an open hand toward me as much as the cuff restraint would allow. I reached out to shake it and he took hold of my wrist with a strength that contradicted his apparent atrophy. Before I could twist myself free he bolted upright and hissed in my ear, “You can take that feeding tube and shove it up your ass, Smith. I’m not fighting for you, or the Corps, or any trussed up version of oppression that those pretentious fucks behind Sina are selling to the rest of us slobs.” He released me and fell back against the pillows, the sudden exertion leaving him winded. His sunken chest heaved and he gripped me with a terrible gaze, as if he were daring me to strike him. Luckily for him, I wasn’t the sort of man who drew satisfaction from breaking weaker opponents.

With a measure of calm I reached for the chest restraint that someone had foolishly left undone. I drew the belt taut across his protruding ribs, and then tightened it some more. His breath hitched and for a second something obscure muddled the defiance in his eyes. Everything was suddenly, eerily still. The color drained from his cheeks as I leaned in and spoke to him softly. “Make no mistake, Levi, once we’re outside the walls you won’t be fighting for me or the Corps—you’ll be fighting for your life. And don’t think for a minute that you’ll ever be lucky enough to serve the aristocracy’s bullshit agenda. No one in the Corps gets off that easy. You’re mine, Levi. From now until the day the titans claim you, you are mine.” The restraint’s clasp locked into place with a definitive click. I slid my fingers between the belt and his sternum to make sure he had just enough room to breathe and in that second of contact his heart rose to meet my hand. He was so achingly thin that it seemed to be fluttering just beneath his skin—a tiny frantic bird caged in his breast. It would take no effort at all to close my fingers around it and free it. He watched me expectantly, as if he were afraid I might do just that. 

All at once I felt stupidly manipulated. Levi was neither villain nor victim—he was just another con trying to map the borders of his jailer’s cowardice. Swiftly I removed my hand and made for the door. I didn’t say anything further and I didn’t look back. I was too much a coward to.

Behavioral issues with the criminal recruits were not uncommon. Attempts at desertion and violent outbursts were par for the course, however, if the cons cooperated with the program and actually managed to survive four years in the Corps, they were given the option of an honorable discharge. A majority of them eventually came to accept these terms as their last opportunity to clear the slate, and many rehabilitated into fine soldiers. Compliance didn’t necessarily guarantee survival, but occasionally there were those who managed to evade death long enough to cash in on their second chance. And then there were those who stayed on despite. My Nanaba was one of the latter. She had come to us an addict and a thief, more animal than human. For her, slaying titans was child’s play in comparison to overcoming addiction. At the end of her mandatory service she declared that the only two things she was good at were burglarizing the bourgeois and killing titans. Rather than return to a life of crime, she re-upped and was now about to be promoted to lieutenant. I reminded myself of all this as I barreled out of Levi’s room and decided it would be good to pair him up with Nanaba for the short time she had left with my squad.

“Captain Smith!” Hange Zoe called after me as I stormed down the hall. Apparently she was awaiting instruction and when I didn’t immediately respond she pursued me. “Damn it Erwin, I’m talking to you!”

Hange, incorrigible spitfire that she was, came from a proper middling family of military personnel whose history had deep roots within wall Rose. Her uncle, a renowned Garrison engineer had earned accolades by proposing an overhaul to the 3D gear that not only revolutionized our strategies but increased our survival rate. As luck would have it, Hange had followed the preordained familial path and joined up at the same time as Mike and myself. When she wasn’t engrossed in her titan studies or training as Zacharius’ second, she could be found making rounds in the hospital. Recruitment periods were always a busy time in the clinic. Limited funding and chronic overcrowding made for subpar living conditions in the jails. The inmates we salvaged were more often than not in poor health and this recent batch was no exception. Hange had her work cut out for her and then some.

“My apologies, lieutenant,” I said, pausing just long enough in my march to bark a brief order. “Give him the tube, sedate him if you have to. And for chrissake, make sure he’s properly secured.”

“Sir, Levi's been fully restrained since he came in. Did something happen?” she asked, falling into step beside me as I continued toward the exit.

If what Hange said was true, then Levi had somehow managed to free himself from the chest belt. With a start, I realized he had us all duped. Everyone believed that he was fasting in protest, growing frailer with each passing day. In actuality he was waiting. Waiting for his leg to heal. Waiting for the staff to fall into a sense of false security. Waiting for the right moment to escape. My unannounced visit had interrupted that moment. “It's nothing, just keep a guard on him. I'll send one of my own over to stand watch if you can't spare the help."

"Insufferable little shit isn’t he?”

“That he is.” Not to mention crafty.

“He’s damn near perfect.”

I paused again, looking down through Hange’s smudged glasses into her bright enigmatic eyes. “You really think so?”

“I do. Can I keep him?” She begged with all the eager hope of a child asking her father if she can keep the stray puppy that’s followed her home. She even clapped her hands together in a supplicatory flourish.

“Too late, Zoe, I’ve already registered him with my squad.” Hange howled her defeat at my back as I walked on. I couldn’t help but smile inwardly. “I know Mike was considering taking either Moblit Berner or Eld Jinn for himself. You might want to check into their credentials and see if either is of interest to you,” I called over my shoulder.

“Gee, thanks for the consolation prize,” she said, rolling her eyes and spinning on her heel.

“Always glad to be of service!”

My hands were parting the double exit doors when she shouted, “Oh, captain!”

I turned. She was standing outside Levi’s door.

“You and Mike did good, this group’s a tough bunch!” Hange gave me a quick thumbs-up and then disappeared inside the room.

The feeding apparatus was an unpleasant contraption that more closely resembled a torture device than a medical miracle. Levi started eating on his own after three days of suffering the tube. As much as everyone liked to believe that he had been broken, I knew differently. It was his choice to volunteer for service, to start eating, to pick up a sword and fight. Inertia was not in him. He had his own agenda and although the full details were unknown to me I readily accepted his outward cooperation. I needed him. We all needed him. If we were ever going to get out from behind the walls we needed a hundred more just like him. Unfortunately, I was going to have to make do with just one.


	5. Chapter 5

Levi glowered at me over the desk, silver eyes flashing. “I’m fit and I’ve got more talent in my pinky finger than all of those useless pricks from Sina combined. Why the hell are you leaving me behind?” 

The assignments for the upcoming expedition had been announced but Levi’s name was not among the chosen. Apparently he took this as a personal affront. Even though his raw, self-taught style was impressive he was still too fresh and I was more than a little concerned about his mental fitness. As with all creatures, he had responded well to proper nutrition and a little hard work, however, he still posed a greater liability than his potential worth. I couldn’t gamble the squad’s welfare on a wildcard.

I leaned back in my chair and vented my frustration with an abbreviated sigh. Push and pull, tether and release. The constant vacillation was becoming wearisome. Perhaps in my desperation I had imbued the boy with virtues that he simply did not possess. “I cannot deny your skill with the gear, Levi. In the past few weeks you have indeed excelled beyond a good number of the cadets who have been at it for months. However, it takes more than 3D proficiency and quick steel to survive beyond the walls. We’re a team and you’re still acting alone.”

He tilted his head slightly to one side and raised an eyebrow as if I had just spoken to him in a dead language.

“Take a seat, Levi,” I said, gesturing toward the chair behind him.

He pulled the chair closer and perched lightly on the edge as if he might spring forward at any moment. Whether the impulse would carry him over my desk and at my throat or toward the door was unclear.

“I reviewed your prison file. You were pretty high up in the ranks of a black market ring, correct?”

“I was,” he answered pridefully. 

“Then it’s safe to assume that you know how to manage a team and enforce authority.”

“In a way. The hierarchy of a gang operates a bit differently from that of the Corps but I suppose the principles are the same.”

“Good, then start applying some of those leadership skills when interacting with your peers. We operate as one both inside and outside the walls. Each cadet has something to offer and it’s up to us to cultivate those resources.”

“Us?” The question cleaved a line between his immaculately thin brows.

“Yes, us—the ones with the obvious knack for survival.” It was a transparent appeal to his vanity but it got his attention. “Not every cadet has an aptitude for combat but they each have their gifts and I’d be unworthy of my title if I dragged them to their deaths without developing them first. Take Lieutenant Zoe for instance. Her medical expertise and insatiable curiosity are invaluable. We’d be fools to simply hand her a sword and send her into the field without taking advantage of them. Not that she isn’t brilliant with a sword, mind you, but the knowledge we’ve gained from her titan studies far outweighs the number of kills she’s made. Do you see my point?”

“I suppose.” He softened and I could see a clever mind working behind his speculative eyes.

“Put your personal biases aside, Levi. There is no such thing as ‘useless’ in the Corps. Even the sacrificial lamb serves a purpose.”

“Well sure, a critical part of strategizing a suicide campaign is knowing where you can afford to take the hits. Someone’s got to be the titan fodder,” he added, cheerfully sarcastic.

“I wouldn’t exactly call our campaigns suicide runs—”

“You know, Smith, I had you pegged for a complete pansy, but you’re actually pretty ruthless. You would have done well in the underground. I would have enjoyed cutting you down on my way to the top.” He said this all in a perfectly cordial manner as if he were wistfully reminiscing about better times with an old friend. “So what other parts of me do you plan on exploiting before sending me to my death?” He relaxed into the chair, his eyes stripping the very flesh from my bones. The office suddenly felt humid and claustrophobic.

“A few weeks ago you were trying to starve yourself to death, now you’re eager to serve on the expedition. You’re not planning on jumping down a titan’s throat once we get outside are you?” He wasn’t suicidal, never had been. He knew that I knew that but I couldn’t allow him to bait me into another confrontation.

“They’d probably spit me out—too bitter,” he laughed roughly. At least he had a sense of humor about himself. “Since I’m not getting invited to the soiree can you at least tell me what territory you plan on surveying?”

“That information is confidential. The selected personnel will be briefed prior to the expedition. Records from our previous campaigns are archived in the library, though, if you’re interested.”

“Do those records include maps?”

“Of course. Why the sudden interest in geography?”

“I want to see where you’ve been and how accurate your surveyors are.”

“Accurate? What makes you an authority?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.

“I’ve been outside,” he shrugged. “I’ve followed the Corps’ tracks and I’ve made a few of my own. I just thought you might like to compare notes.”

For the first time I felt truly rewarded for recruiting Levi. I must have looked as pleased as I felt because the boy’s eyes glinted a reflection of my own smug satisfaction. I could almost hear him gloating.

“How exactly did you end up on the other side of Maria?” I asked, trying not to sound too eager.

“It was two years ago in September when I went over. The shit hit the fan when one of my grunts killed a Unicorn while resisting arrest. He cut a deal with the court believing it would save him from execution, but it didn’t matter, they still hanged him. After he informed on us, our warehouse was raided and bounties issued.” He paused in his narration and looked down at his hands, folding and unfolding them. “You don’t realize how ridiculously small the world inside the walls is until there’s a price on your head.” The swagger had left his voice and for a moment he seemed almost humble. “Things got dicey so over Maria I went. I figured no one would be reckless enough to follow me outside and I was right. It was a risk, but really, what did I have to lose?”

“How long were you out there?” I asked, quietly awed. No one but the Corps ever passed through Maria’s outer gates. Not even desperate men. It wasn’t a viable option by any means.

“Almost three months. Then, wouldn’t you know, I stumbled across a gaggle of fools playing hide-and-seek with the titans out in the woods.”

“The Corps?” Levi nodded gravely.

“I tailed you guys for a few days hoping to nick a gear set so I could get back over Maria. The only things I managed to lift, though, were a small cheese wheel and a skin of wine. I had no idea you all were so paranoid, sleeping in your gear like that. You do know that titans are basically dormant at night, right?”

“Better to err on the side of caution.” I chuckled. Levi did not.

“Here’s something I bet you didn’t know. Titans are attracted by the scent of blood.”

“Human blood?”

“Any kind of blood. They don’t discriminate. If there’s enough of it and it’s fresh, they’ll come running.”

“That’s why attacks often occur in clusters.” I reached across the desk, picked up a scrap of paper and jotted a few notes for Hange. Levi regarded the sheet suspiciously.

“Right, but titans never interact with one another or coordinate their efforts. They’re too damn stupid, even the rogues. All they do is eat and puke and fumble around.” He waved his arms in a comical imitation. 

“So if you weren’t able to steal a gear set, how did you get back inside the walls?”

Levi’s eyes stormed over. Those solitary months outside were the most significant, if not only, piece of personal history that he had ever volunteered and now he was privately admonishing himself for the revelation. I watched his internal struggle with great interest.

“Oh I got a gear set alright,” he finally admitted after a pregnant pause. “It just took a little more effort than anticipated. This part stays between you and me, though.” He studied me intently, waiting for my assent.

“Go on,” I said, putting down the pencil and folding my hands on the desk.

“Think back to that time. Do you remember the attack that occurred near dawn on your last day out?”

“Actually, I do. I was still a lieutenant then, it was one expedition prior to my promotion. There had been very little titan activity and we were close to the wall. I was convinced that we were going to make it back with only a handful of casualties. We all thought so.”

“And you probably would have if I hadn’t killed a couple of deer and smeared their entrails around the camp’s perimeter. After that I posted up in a tree and waited for the titans to come. During the confusion of the attack I killed one of the cadets, stole his gear and a horse and took a round-about way back to Maria. That night I went over the wall.”

His story concluded, he was wanting a reaction—admonishment, absolution, anything—but I had no satisfaction to give. Early in life I had learned that extreme circumstances often called for deviant measures, thus, his confession roused neither outrage nor sympathy. I was amazed, however, by how freely he had placed his fate in my hands, as if he no longer wanted to claim responsibility for it.

“I’m serious, Smith,” he said in a tight, controlled timbre, “if you want me alive then what I just told you stays in this room. You know as well as I that if this gets out I’ll be in front of a firing squad before the death warrant’s even signed.”

“Why did you tell me then? You could have easily altered that part of your story.”

“That cadet is the only person I regret killing. All the rest were thugs, racketeers, murderers themselves. Taking them down was practically community service. Now, here I am, a member of the Corps myself. It’s like karmic justice for murdering that kid.”

“You did what was necessary.”

“It was almost you,” he said flatly.

“What was almost me?” I asked, not quite concealing my alarm.

“I saw you that morning. You were below me for a moment, teetering on a branch, your face covered in blood. You seemed blinded by it. Just as I was about to jump you, you cleared your eyes with the back of your sleeve, and…I don’t know, I hesitated.”

“Why? What stopped you?”

“I can’t honestly put a name to it.” His eyes glazed slightly as memory’s inward lens focused on a clearer image. “It’s like when you’re hunting an animal and it turns, and it sees you, and in that moment it decides to either run or die. I knew you wouldn’t run, or die—you would fight. I didn’t want to destroy something that had that much fight left in it. It would be a waste.”

“And you’re certain it was me?”

“I am. It occurred to me the day you came to see me in the hospital. You were strapping me down, and I looked up at you, and it was like we were in the trees again. Only this time you were looking right at me. I couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it, but here we are.”

We lapsed into a tentative silence after that. Clearly Levi had been waiting for the right moment to disclose this information. Although the guilt he felt over the cadet’s death appeared genuine, the confession had been used as a lead-in. He wanted it known that I was alive only because he had spared me. 

“Well, Levi,” and I almost smiled, “you can’t run, and executing you would be a waste, so I guess you’re going to have to stay and fight.”


	6. Chapter 6

The sun rose behind a range of uninterrupted strati on the morning of our departure. Winter had come early and the trees, still tinged with auburn and gold, sagged under the weight of the new frost. Some of the more superstitious cadets spoke of bad omens and a harsh season; personally, I welcomed the dark skies. The plan was to stay out for two weeks, and although inclement weather made for difficult going, the titans would at least be languid beneath the overcast. 

My horse, on the other hand, was anything but languid. He wasn’t exactly young or unbroken, but he was new to the Corps, part of a donated herd that had come to us a few months ago. It was his first expedition and despite my best efforts I could not keep him focused. Perhaps he felt my impatience and was just as keen to get on with it as I was. In any case, it was too late to switch to my mare; all I could do was drive him forward as he pranced and shied through the cobbled streets of Shiganshina.

The denizens of the outlying town observed our unit’s progression with the usual mix of hope and trepidation. Some saluted or shouted a passing word of encouragement while others jeered. There were differing views concerning the merits of our campaigns and our popularity waxed and waned with the political tide. I kept my eyes forward, ignoring supporters and naysayers alike, and concentrated on settling my unruly mount into the formation. 

After several tense moments, Boroi finally fired the orange flare signaling our readiness to the Garrison. The gate rose with an exasperated groan and we charged ahead, leaving our fears and doubts behind the confines of the wall. The formation fanned out and I took my position in the left guard with Evette on my right and Levi shadowing her. In the end it was Evette who had convinced me to bring him along. She had worked closely with him over the past few weeks, grooming him for Nanaba’s spot, and could not be dissuaded. Granted, Levi had settled considerably under her direction but I still had my reservations, unreasonable though they seemed.

Our first few days out were uneventful. Previously charted routs stretched out before us in familiar if not tattered ribbons. There were no titan sightings and the troops lapsed into a restless unease. Every shadow tormented, every open field taunted. We picked our way carefully through crops of unfettered wood and camped with the ghosts of forgotten civilizations. This was the wilderness that the general populace had never seen. And if they did, would they believe? Would they rise against the walls and join us? Some, maybe.

On the fifth evening we camped in foreign territory beneath giant firs and a shrouded moon. Mike intimated that he smelled snow on the wind. There was definitely moisture in the air but I doubted that it was cold enough for snow. I shared his prediction with Evette as we made fire and tended to our dinner. She smiled and said that she trusted Mike’s nose implicitly, that it was more reliable than any barometer. Even though I laughed at her assertion I had to agree. Mike could certainly be depended upon for an accurate forecast even if he was not quite shrewd enough to grasp some of the deeper subtleties of human nature.

After dinner Evette and I burrowed into our furs and sipped mugs of black tea while discussing tomorrow’s itinerary. The thrill of the unknown had us, but we didn’t dare pronounce our hopes too boldly. It was our own brand of superstition—as if the regular, everyday threats to our livelihood weren’t enough. Perhaps it also accounted for why we never speculated out loud about life after the Corps. Once or twice I had allowed myself a private fantasy about the kind of life we could have in a world without walls. No matter how I angled it, though, there didn’t seem to be a place for us. Not that Evette wasn’t a gift. Everything about her was a neat fit (even her sharp edges), but we were far from the end of a long and treacherous road. We loved in defiance of death, not in celebration of life. How did that even translate into the context of a conventional marriage?

Evette stayed with me until her turn for watch came up. She rose to leave, quickly touching her lips to my cheek, but before she could pull away I caught the hood of her cloak and held her mouth to mine. She laughed softly against my smile, removed my hand from her hood, kissed my palm and was gone. Left alone beside the fire, I became aware of the lateness of the hour and the sounds of the camp settling. One by one, fires winked out; distant voices dropped to a murmur. The entire forest seemed to be waiting for the evening to turn. That was when the snow began to fall. I felt it before I saw it, a whisper against my skin. My gaze wandered up but nothing could be seen beyond the dense canopy of interlacing arms. The big trees reminded me of home and of a fragile security that was now nothing more than a dim memory.

“I wonder if it’s snowing inside the walls.”

I turned, started out of my dreaming. Levi was sitting next to me, catching flakes in his open palm. How long had he been there?

“I just got off watch and I wanted to catch you before you went to sleep,” he continued quickly, as if reading my mind.

“Is there something wrong?” Levi shifted uncomfortably beneath my gaze. Normally he didn’t hesitate to get right to the point and I appreciated the directness that others often found brash. Tonight, though, he was uncommonly reserved.

“I never said thank you.”

The declaration threw me. “So say it,” I replied, baffled.

“Thank you.” His voice dipped warmly.

“For what exactly?” I wasn’t trying to be obtuse, I honestly couldn’t see where he was coming from.

“Lots of things, but mostly for saving my life. I was in bad shape; you didn’t have to pick me, but you did.”

“I didn’t save you, Levi, I merely postponed your death sentence. If anything you should thank Lieutenant Zoe for salvaging your leg.” Although Levi had become more agreeable over the past few weeks, he had manic tendencies which warranted caution. I wasn’t entirely convinced of his gratitude but at the same time I did not wish to alienate the boy, not when he was working so diligently at filling Nanaba’s shoes.

Without responding he took a pouch from his cloak and began rolling a couple of cigarettes. He offered me one and when I hesitated he raised his eyebrows in a gesture that said he would be insulted if I didn’t accept. I took the cigarette and chewed vaguely on the end of it as he reached out to light his own off the campfire. He popped the lit cigarette into his mouth and then leaned toward me. I ducked my head and met him halfway, our eyes locking over the burning embers.

“Do you have anyone inside the walls, Levi?” I asked as I withdrew, pulling hard on the tobacco.

“How do you mean?” he replied, drawing his knees up and crossing his arms over them.

“You know, friends, family, anyone who would notice if you didn’t come back.” It wasn’t a question that required much thought but he remained silent for a time, his gaze turned pensively inward.

“No,” he said finally. “The Corps is all I have now.”

It very well could have been true and the look in his eye told me not to press him further.

“Will you do me a favor?” I asked.

“I suppose I owe you that much,” he said, exhaling a ring of smoke.

“You owe me nothing. There’s no account to settle. I’m asking you, as a brother, to do me a favor.”

He shrugged indifferently. “I’ve never had siblings, not any that I would consider family anyway.”

“Well you’ve got about three hundred of them now, understand?” He nodded, looking suddenly very young and very embarrassed. It had probably been a long time since he had had a comrade he could trust. “Are you familiar with the Stohess District at all?”

“Of course.”

“Well, that’s where I’m from.”

“How the hell did you end up here?”

“They didn’t pull me out of a jail cell that’s for sure.”

“You volunteered?” Disbelief and disgust.

“I did.”

“That’s ludicrous, why didn’t you join-up with the Unicorns?”

“I guess that’s what Leah wanted to know.”

“Leah?”

“Leah Stewart, an old friend. She still lives in Stohess, I think. If anything should happen to me will you take her my badge?”

He hesitated, eyeing me thoughtfully. “Is she waiting for you?”

“No, Leah’s not waiting.”

“Then why her? Why not Lieutenant Renaud?”

“Evette?” I asked, feigning surprise.

“C’mon, Erwin, it’s obvious to anyone who’s paying attention,” he laughed, low and cynical. I blinked, unsure if I had heard correctly. It was the first time he had ever used my given name. His uncommon accent rolled over it with a husky clip and just like that I was no longer ‘Smith’ or ‘asshole’ or ‘blondie’ or ‘shitty captain’. I was Erwin. Just Erwin. Tactfully, I overlooked the insinuating remark about my relationship with Evette.

“Leah and I met when we were just kids. I was around twelve years old at the time, an orphan living on the streets. Her parents owned a prominent bakery in the capital. They were so well-renowned in fact, that the palace commissioned them to create a macaroon replica of the kingdom for the princess’s 16th birthday.”

“How charming.” More cynicism, also ignored.

“On the weekends, they ran a stand in the common market. One day Leah caught me stealing a loaf of bread but oddly enough, instead of turning me in to the MPs, she made me a sandwich and promised me another if I came to see her the following weekend. Her only condition was that I quit stealing from the vendors. I was in no position to question her charity so I upheld my end of the bargain and for several weekends thereafter she spared whatever day-olds she could to keep me fed.”

“Nice work securing a patron. You must have been quite the dashing rake to win her over on the spot.” His voice dripped sarcasm.

“I was a filthy urchin, if anything. To this day I still have no idea why she befriended me.”

“The richies love slumming,” he sneered.

“Well, I can’t speak for Leah,” I said, pulling on the cigarette, “but as for me, I thought of it as just another hustle. As we came to know each other, though, I started feeling guilty for taking advantage of her kindness. Without a word I discontinued our visits. I didn’t see her again until nearly a year later, after I had been adopted.”

“Smooth move, blondie,” Levi snorted. So he hadn’t given up the pet names after all.

“Yeah, Leah didn’t think so either. You should have seen the look on her face the first time I pulled up in front of her stand driving our pair of greys.”

“She probably told you to shove off.”

“That’s exactly what she did. I had spent all morning grooming and braiding the horses too. The damn beasts looked better than me,” I laughed, blushing at the memory.

“So you went through all that trouble just to see her again and she turned you out?”

Well by that time I actually had business in the market. My new parents had put me to work at their livery and on the weekends I drove a cart there to pick up feed and other supplies. I just assumed that once Leah saw I had a station in life she would be happy for me.”

“Not so much,” he laughed, but not unkindly.

“It took a bit of coaxing, and even more patience, but eventually our friendship resumed.”

“I assume by then you had a bit of coin in your pocket and were buying her lunch instead?”

“Of course, what do you take me for?”

“A fool.”

“I suppose in many ways I was, still am in fact.”

I could see a dozen or so questions poised on Levi’s lips but he swallowed them along with the last drag of his cigarette. He flicked the butt into the fire and pondered the flames a while. “Alright, I’ll take Leah your badge. But if you somehow manage to survive the Corps, make sure you find her and never let her go again.”

“I can’t.”

“Why the hell not?” He truly seemed at his wits end.

“She’s already married another. They even have a little girl from what I hear.”

“Shit, Erwin, you really are a fool,” he grumbled, rising to his feet and drawing his swords.

I stiffened in alarm but Levi had no intention of attacking me. With a weary sigh, he turned to face the dark. At the same time, the ground beneath us began to quake, the rhythmic tremors dislodging the cigarette from between my lips. I saw its teeth before I saw the rest of it. The titan gaped hungrily out of the snow-filled gloom—my tent, the fire and Levi framed neatly in its jaws. Instinct pulsed through my muscles and I sprang for the safety of the trees. I turned in time to see the behemoth snapping angrily as Levi took flight, a sliver of his cloak caught between jagged teeth. He twisted above the titan’s grotesquely disproportionate head, anchored the gear hooks in its back and dove for the mark. The titan dropped onto the fire with a defeated wail, scattering burning ash everywhere and plunging us into darkness.

The rest of the camp burst to life, fifty men and women eager for a fight. Hurried steps thundered through the forest along with the crackling boom of felled trees. All at once, the canopy was illuminated. Two more aberrants came crashing haplessly into our encampment. One caught a flare in the eye and howled piteously before being taken down and the other, apparently more intrigued by the flash of the flares than us, quickly followed. Though the titans were disposed of easily enough, the unanticipated attack had left us devastated. The cadets were rattled, frantically darting through the trees and shooting off flares we couldn’t afford to waste. The other captains and I managed to thwart their panic by quickly coordinating salvage teams. As soon as the recovered provisions were secured and all missing personnel had been accounted for, we mounted our horses and fled into the cover of night.

~*~

Morning broke damp and cheerless. The occasional flurry still drifted down from the grey plain above but there had hardly been any accumulation overnight. I donned my cloak and clomped through the half-frozen muck to check on my horses. Our impromptu relocation had left them both skittish, eager to be off. Truth be told, so was I. The aberrant raid had left us all more than a little shaken. Few besides Levi had managed to find sleep between tense watch shifts. I had spotted him close to dawn, dozing among the branches of a giant fir—gear wires securing him to the tree’s trunk, swords loaded and crossed over his lap. It was probably a technique he had employed during those rogue months outside—a method we would all have to adopt if night attacks became the norm.

I picked up my horses’ buckets and headed toward the stream. The soldiers I passed along the way tended to their chores in lethargic silence. Only the occasional command disturbed their trance. A number of cadets had convened down by the water, scrubbing their clothes, their breakfast dishes and themselves. Levi was among them, or rather at a distance from them. He was kneeling by the water’s edge, stripped to the waist, a towel draped over one shoulder. I couldn’t help but notice how nicely he had muscled up—nothing about him resembled the stray I had plucked from the jail just a few weeks ago. One of the other cadets approached him, a petite red-haired girl whom I recognized from Mike’s squad. She had a towel thrown over her shoulder too. There was a quiet exchange of words and then he handed her a small cake of soap. She nodded her thanks and he regarded her with a species of smile that made him appear unaccustomed to the expression. The girl walked off a few paces and quietly went about her ablutions. Levi watched her for a moment before turning back to his own routine, that strange smile still quirking the corners of his lips.

“So how far off course would you say we are?” I asked, dipping one of my buckets into the stream. Prior to our departure from Maria, Levi had reviewed our itinerary and expressed a tentative familiarity with the route. After a few days in the field, his confidence with the territory had increased significantly and he had been moved to the head of the formation alongside the scouts.

Levi tossed his damp bangs off his forehead and lifted tired eyes to mine. “The lay of the forest has me kinda turned around but I went up one of those big-ass trees earlier and spotted a tower nearby that seems familiar. We should check it out. See if it is what I think it is.”

“I guess that’s not too bad considering we were riding blind for a good portion of the night. What’s this structure you’re referring to?”

He laved a couple handfuls of water into his mouth, the ice-cold draught leaving a ruddy kiss on his nose and lips. “Nothing worthwhile. Just another burned-out haunted old shell. I camped there once. Didn’t stay long, though. The place gave me the fucking creeps.”

“You can’t be serious,” I chided.

“I’m not even kidding,” he bristled. “It’s full of char and bones and—” Levi inspected me, found something lacking and pulled back. “It doesn’t matter, you’ll see.” Whatever he had discovered had clearly left an indelible mark.

“That’s not so unusual. We come across human remains all the time. It’s just something you’re going to have to get used to.” Even as I dismissed him I knew. I just knew.

“Oh yeah?” Levi’s adamancy bordered on outrage. He rose from the bank and approached me with a swift sort of caution, as if to guard our exchange against prying ears. Scarcely an inch separated us and he spoke so low and so close that his words sent a current of dread prickling up the back of my neck. “How about a dungeon full of child-sized skeletons? You ever come across one of those?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has been keeping up with this fic :) New chapters may be a little slow to come because  
> 1) I started a new job (YAY, money! BOO, long hours!) and  
> 2) I'm still deciding on an appropriate ending (flips a coin and frowns at the results)
> 
> In any case, hope you all have an amazing weekend and happy reading!

We never made it to the tower.

By the time I reached Levi he had ceased struggling. The boy lay frightfully still—limbs twisted at odd angles, eyes fixed and blank. The shallow rise and fall of his chest was the only sign betraying the presence of life in his broken body. I wasted no time cutting him loose from the ensnaring wires and retreating with him to the safety of the trees. Despite his small stature Levi felt like a sack of cannonballs in my arms—the additional weight colluding with the concrete already settling in my limbs. I couldn’t tell if we were flying or falling.

_Work cooperatively within your team but don’t expect anyone to protect you. Outside, your life is your own responsibility._

The warning I had given him returned to mock me with a maniacal grin. There was no denying it should have been me.

I deposited a portion of my burden on a low, wide branch and was about to dive back into the fray when Levi grabbed my arm. So he wasn’t in shock after all.

“It’s just my shoulder,” he blurted out, wild and harried.

“Nothing's broken?” I asked, incredulous and not even bothering to disguise it. I needed someone to lash out at, someone to share the blame. But more than that I needed to keep moving. It was impossible to tell what the stillness would invite, let alone which of its consorts would be the one to disarm me. Would it be Grief? Panic? Guilt? No, it would be something worse, something toxic—like the paralysis that had overtaken Levi, and pinned him to the ground, and forced him to stop struggling.

Levi began wrestling his way out of his jacket by way of response. His complexion was pasty and his right arm dangled sadly by his side.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s reset, your gear is broken. You can’t fight.”

“Are you telling me I’m useless?” Accusing eyes peered at me through sweat-matted bangs. He was wounded, and overwhelmed, and still feeling the effects of his own psychic toxin working through the fibers of his resolve. I almost sympathized with him. Almost.

“Hold still, and try to relax,” I said as I finished stripping the jacket from his body. I grasped his elbow in one hand and he mirrored the hold, wincing. A startled grunt squeezed through his clenched teeth as my fingers worked over the offending joint. Quickly enough the color returned to his cheeks and I could feel that the shoulder had been righted. He released my elbow, nodded his thanks and awkwardly shrugged into his jacket.

“Cover me,” he muttered, stepping off the tree limb as easily as if he were walking down a flight of stairs. Levi disappeared into the steam rising off the titan’s corpse before I could even try to stop him.

The aberrant that had swallowed Evette was almost completely dissolved. Its stomach acids were not strong enough to digest the maneuver gear and, lucky for Levi, hers was still operational. He hauled it out of the sludge and took off, blades in hand, while I fumbled with my regrets. Regret—another blight that thrived on stagnation. I leaped from the branch and swung into chaos. Evette’s words followed me.

_He’s capable enough, let him come._

The screams were so distant I didn’t recognize them as my own.

_He can take Nanaba’s spot in the formation._

I closed in on a ten meter class. It turned its humorless smile on me, dark clots filling the gaps between its teeth.

_I know he’s new, but we need the bodies._

The blades found their mark and I was coated in a fresh spray of sticky, boiling blood. My uniform clung to me like a net, one that I was forever floundering in.

_What are you afraid of, Erwin?_

The titan went down thrashing and I closed my eyes, blindly freefalling through the cacophony. Wires hissed, anxious orders were barked, the cries of humans and titans alike swelled and died. Through it all someone called my name.

“Erwin!”

I caught myself before I hit the ground. The gear wires hooked into the nearest tree and dragged me through space like a ragdoll on strings. The soles of my boots hit the trunk with a solid crunch. I turned from my crouched position in time to see Hange swinging up next to me.

“I thought you were going to bite it. Are you ok?” she panted.

I had no proper answer for her.

“Where’s Evette?” she asked, scanning the melee. I nodded vaguely toward the rancid pile of flesh a few meters off. Hange just stared.

I caught sight of Levi skirting the trees, pausing here and there to have a quick word with the soldiers he passed along the way. It was an accident, it had to be. The alternative was too heinous to be true. Still, I couldn’t help but replay the scene over and over again as he leaped from tree to tree in Evette’s gear—the rogue titan bounding through the forest on our left flank; my horse spooking, throwing me into harm’s way; the fatal snarl of crossed wires as Evette and Levi simultaneously launched themselves at the same target, and finally, my swords rending apart the mindless horror that had devoured her. I broke nearly every blade in my cache hacking at that obscenely swollen gut but I couldn’t reach her.

She never even screamed.

_Even the sacrificial lamb serves a purpose._

“Three dead, two injured.” Levi came to rest on a branch above and to my right.

_Levi was in the left guard when you were attacked._

“And?” I snapped over my shoulder, more at the thing whispering madness in my ear than at Levi.

_He should have been in the lead with the scouts._

“The other squads haven’t fared much better. Combined with last night’s losses we don’t have much of a chance of surviving another attack. The commander is ordering a return to Maria.”

_You should have left him in that cell to rot. You should have let him hang himself with his own wires. Look at him, he’s not fit to carry her blades. He’s fit only for slaughter._

I forced myself to face him, afraid of what I might find looming behind me, but there was no salivating fiend, only Levi—haggard and spent and looking more like a trampled battle flag than a lamb ready for slaughter. I tore my eyes from him and focused on Lieutenant Zoe.

“Hange, start assessing the wounded. Make sure those that can’t ride are put on carts. Discard the rations if you run out of space, we can always hunt along the way. Levi,” I turned to him again, drawing a deep breath and securing the knot on my control, “you and the other remaining scouts get up above the trees and keep watch for titans. If you see any, shoot off a flare.”

“Will the flash even be visible during the day?” Hange asked.

“I think it’s cloudy enough that we should be able to see something. We can’t keep going on as we have been. We’ll never make it back to Maria.”

“What about the dead?” Levi asked pointedly.

The words tasted bitter and I spat them out. “Let their gods tend to them. Our efforts are better spent preserving the lives of our comrades, not gathering their remains.”

~*~

After our return to headquarters, Alexander granted me leave to personally deliver the news of Evette’s passing to her younger brother, Andre. He had followed our mutual friend, Nile Dok, into the Military Police after training and now served under him. During our less than jubilant reunion in Mitras the three of us stopped at a local tavern for a drink and to reminisce about our trainee days. They asked after Hange and Mike and filled me in on all the current political intrigue. We talked of everything but Evette. However, as the night wore on and the liquor flowed, Andre grew bolder—asking more direct questions about the expeditions and our titan studies until finally he prompted me for the details of Evette’s final moments. When I circumvented the specifics and instead concentrated on the overall impact of our losses, he lunged across the table, grabbed a fistful of my shirt and demanded that I tell him—that I owed it to him and Evette both. The fact that he had never been outside, much less fought a titan, must have made the entire incident all that much more appalling. The thing that killed his sister might as well have not even been real. The only way for him to get closure was to hear the whole story, start to finish. I answered his questions while Nile drank in grim silence.

Predictably, Andre blamed me for her death, for her joining the Corps, for every choice she ever made that took her beyond his reach. I gave him no argument, not even when he saw fit to smash my face with his fist before Nile could drag him outside. I couldn’t very well tell Andre, whom I cared for nearly as much as Evette, that a confessed murderer had taken his sister down, or that I had tried and failed to cut her free from the titan’s womb. Those were nothing more than excuses, and I planned to tactfully address my suspicions with Levi in due time. He had been overly eager to accompany us outside, and he had broken formation just prior to the attack. Those two pieces alone were enough to keep me from resting on my grief. I was not so consumed by ire, though, to believe that a thimbleful of doubt was worth troubling Andre over. Until I had actual proof, let him target me. It was healthier than worrying after a man he couldn’t reach.


	8. Chapter 8

“When did you get back?” Levi asked as he entered my room, instinctively locking the door behind him.

I had sent for him as soon as I had discovered the torn and bloodied badge on my writing desk. No doubt the wings were Evette’s, taken from the remnants of her uniform when Levi had retrieved her gear. I wasn’t sure if the offering was a warning, a taunt, or a grisly appeal for peace. Even though the badge remained in plain sight he neither acknowledged nor inquired about it.

“Just now,” I said, removing my cloak and shaking it out before hanging it on the back of a chair to dry. The last leg of my journey from the capital had been a wet one and the rain was still coming down in a sleety drizzle.

Without my asking, Levi crossed the room and started a fire in the small potbelly stove.

“You don’t have to do that,” I said, yanking my boots off.

“Like hell, a fire hasn’t been lit in here since you left. It’s freezing,” he replied gruffly.

“I meant I would do it.” My near numb fingers fumbled with my gear straps. Levi eyed me for a minute and then shook his head. He walked right up to me, smacked my hands away and began undoing the buckles. Strangely enough I thought of the withered boy I had restrained in the hospital—my hand curling into a fist as I tightened the strap across his chest until he lay gasping. And now here he was, undoing my own restraints with quick careful fingers in a gesture that was closer to devotion than it was duty.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered absently, trying to avoid thinking too much on it and concentrating instead on my shirt buttons.

“What the hell have you done now?” he said without taking his eyes from his work. He was kneeling, finishing the last of my thigh straps and when I looked down at him I found myself looking through the dark length of lashes resting lightly over flushed cheeks.

“You must think I’m cruel.”

“You are, but it’s your most redeeming quality,” he sighed as he stood up and took hold of the buckle securing the belt around my waist. He looked at me then as if he were seeing me for the first time, his eyes lingering in mine a fraction of a second too long before dropping away again. “Don’t ever change,” he said with a weak smile that was somewhere between sad and sardonic. His fingers slid away from my belt without undoing it.

“Levi…” I pushed the name out of my closed throat as he turned away from me and started for the cabinet.

“Do you want some tea?” he asked in a way that was meant to silence me.

“Some tea would be good, thank you,” I said, pulling my damp shirt off and tossing it in the bin at the bottom of the closet. I reached for a fresh one and that was when I noticed the immaculate state of my wardrobe. Everything was clean and pressed and neatly arranged, more so than when I had left. I glanced around the rest of the room—things weren’t exactly out of place but they had been reordered. Someone had been here and they hadn’t even tried to hide it. “Levi, did you notice anyone coming in or out of my room while I was gone?” I could have sworn that I had locked up before leaving.

He placed two mugs on top of the cabinet and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, me.” He said it as if I should have known. “The place was a sty, I cleaned up. And yes, I locked up again when I left.”

“Why were you even in here in the first place?” Now maybe he would reveal his purpose behind the badge.

“Really, Erwin?” His eyes narrowed threateningly. I let it go.

“You didn’t happen to break into my office and straighten up in there too?” I was only half teasing. My main concern was with the security of my private documents.

His scowl deepened. “Sorry, but between drills and chasing after the commander I didn’t have time.”

Although relieved, I still felt the need to remind Levi of his boundaries. “I appreciate the gesture but in the future please don’t enter my room or office without permission.”

“You’re welcome.” He plunked the kettle down on the stovetop, carelessly sloshing some of the water.

I ignored his irritation as I did all of his usual contentious proclivities and finished changing. Levi averted his eyes and busied himself with the tea caddy.

“Now that that’s cleared up, what did I miss while I was gone?”

“Boroi met with some rather interesting characters a few days after you left.”

“Were they military?” I reached over him for the bottle of whisky on the shelf above the cabinet. His back went rigid when I accidentally brushed his shoulder and he turned, crossing his arms almost defensively in front of his chest.

“If they were, they weren’t in uniform. They seemed a little overfed to be military, though.”

“How many were there?” I uncorked the bottle and took a long sip. Levi’s eyes flitted over me and then away. I handed him the bottle and he hesitated before accepting it. He took a second to study the label, one eyebrow ticking in amusement.

“This is good whisky,” he commented before drinking just enough to wet his palette.

“It was a birthday gift.”

“From your Sina friends.” He passed the bottle back to me.

“How did you know?”

“It’s a black market label. Unicorns drink the shit like it’s water. We used to trade them cases of the stuff for maneuver gear.” I raised my eyebrows, although, I wasn’t entirely surprised. Levi shrugged. “The finer things cost more than just money. Your friends went through considerable trouble to get that for you. Enjoy it.” And so I did. “To answer your question, there were three men. One held the money, the other did all the talking and the third was there for moral support.”

“Moral support?” I asked. Levi shook his head and laughed through his nose as if he was embarrassed for me.

“Muscle,” he supplied. “The third guy was the muscle.”

“I see. What did they pay Boroi for?” I offered him the bottle again and he declined. Not a big drinker, or at least not a social one. I corked the bottle and placed it back on the shelf. Even though the liquor was doing more to warm me than the fire, I still disliked drinking alone.

“I don’t really know. There wasn’t an exchange.”

“And all of this happened here?”

“No, the three men were already in the back room of the tavern at the end of Miller’s Alley when Boroi got there.”

“So they met in town at Charlie’s Chase?”

Levi nodded. Things were starting to come together. The excess of supplies, the newly donated herd, the harvesting of additional recruits, and now this—all were clear signs of increased support. Why now, though? What was Boroi ramping up for?

“Did you catch their names or any of their conversation?” The kettle on the stove began to sing and Levi went to retrieve it.

“I couldn’t get close enough. All I could do was watch from the alley-side window.”

“You’d recognize them again, though, if you saw them?” This earned me another eye-roll.

“Of course.”

“Sorry, just making sure. Did they go anywhere else?”

Levi shook his head. “They were there for an hour or so. Had a few drinks, a few laughs, then parted ways. The three men left first in a carriage that was parked in the rear courtyard. The muscle drove. There was no crest, nothing notable. Nice horses, though. These guys were definitely nobles.”

“What about Boroi?”

“He stayed behind for a bit, had another drink and counted his money. After that he got on his horse and came back here.”

Levi finished preparing the tea and handed me a mug. It felt good in my hands and the tea itself was light and aromatic, not my usual dark blend.

“Go on, it’s not poison,” Levi grumbled, his mug hanging just short of his lips. “If I wanted to kill you I certainly wouldn’t use such an underhanded method.”

“What method would you use?” I asked, taking a sip.

“For you? I don’t know, you’re pretty fucking special. It would have to at least be slow and brutal.”

I stifled a short laugh and cleared my throat. “The tea is good, different. Is there anything else I should know?”

He blew into the mug, thoughtful. “Totally unrelated, but tomorrow morning’s schedule is all screwed up. Everyone is supposed to report to the clinic before mess. There’re going to be some doctors here from the interior’s Public Health Department collecting blood samples. They’re working on a vaccine for the pox and using us as donors for the study. We’re supposed to be fasting but tea is ok I guess. Maybe take it easy on the alcohol, though.”

“A pox vaccine? Really?” The fasting requirement seemed inappropriate. Perhaps Hange could tell me more.

“Yeah, I guess it’s spreading above ground now, inconveniencing the richies. Never mind that it’s been plaguing the slums for years.”

Oddly enough, there had been no sign of a pox outbreak in the capital. Nile hadn’t even mentioned it; surely the police would have been alerted to the growing threat of an epidemic.

“When did you find out about this?”

“It was announced a few days ago.”

“Before or after Boroi’s meeting at Charlie’s?”

“After. Why?”

I took one last swallow of tea and then reached for my jacket. I needed to find Lieutenant Zoe.

“Thank you, Levi, you’ve done very well. You’re dismissed.”

“That’s it?” He shot me a withering glare.

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve barely spoken since—” He checked himself where he normally wouldn’t, his eyes darting toward the desk and back again. “Then out of the blue you ask me to start keeping tabs on the commander. You could at least tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Levi, if I knew, I wouldn’t have asked you to be my eyes in the first place.”

“Fine, but why me? Why not Darlett or Hesby or any of the others?”

“Given your history, I knew you could discreetly carry out the assignment without being discovered.”

“She spied for you, didn’t she?” he said sharply.

“Who?”

“Are you trying to be coy or are you really that stupid?” he growled.

“No, Levi,” I said, lowering myself heavily onto the footlocker at the end of my bed. I was suddenly exhausted. The hardships of the road were catching up to me and Levi had pressed me beyond the limits of tolerance. I lifted my eyes to his, pleading for rest. “I just want to hear you say her name.”

“Was _Evette Renaud_ spying for you?” He spoke slowly, exaggerating the syllables of her name with bitter reluctance.

“Yes, and she followed her orders without objection. It would behoove you to do the same.”

“And if I refuse?”

I hadn’t planned on broaching the subject so soon after my return but Levi seemed determined to escalate the matter. I rose and walked over to the desk where Evette’s wings still rested on top of a neat stack of papers. I brushed my fingers over the stained feathers, tracing their blurred outline, tracing every misstep leading up to her fall. I tried not to imagine what Levi had seen when he had retrieved the badge.

“So much can go wrong in the field,” I murmured.

My back was to him so I could not see his immediate reaction. His prolonged silence spoke volumes, though. I opened the desk drawer and placed the badge inside. The act had an air of finality, and when I closed the drawer again it was like sealing the tomb on a piece of myself—a piece that existed solely because Evette had willed it to life. When I finally turned back to him I was met with an unexpected but nonetheless candid picture of suffering. Was it even possible for a murderer to look so much like a beaten dog? The fingers of his right hand twitched by his side, curling and uncurling with an indecisive itch. Then, without so much as a curse, he turned to leave. I half expected another of his infamous spectacles, but he remained entirely composed until he reached the door, which was slammed behind him with so much force that the whisky bottle toppled from its shelf and shattered on the floor.

~*~

I found Hange in her makeshift lab pouring over a text that had been discovered a couple of expeditions ago along with several moldering scrolls. The language was indecipherable but it contained illustrations of flora and fauna the likes of which were unknown in our little corner of the world. A team of historians from the capital, including a couple of Wallists, had reviewed the scrolls, deemed them heretical, and taken them away without revealing so much as a suggestion of what they might contain. The book that Hange was now studying, however, had been prudently withheld—hidden away in Zacharius’s private quarters at the behest of his intrepid subordinate.

“Still trying to translate that dusty old thing?” I teased from the doorway of the lab.

“Erwin, you’re back! Come in, come in!” She perched the bulky magnifying goggles on top of her head and beckoned to me with a wave.

I picked my way through the clutter of books and beakers and sank wearily into the chair opposite her. Hange came out from behind the desk, gave me a brief but warm hug and then sat on the edge of her crowded workspace, a line of concern creasing her brow.

“How was Mitras?” she asked quietly.

“Cramped to the point of bursting.”

“Sounds about right. How about Andre?”

“He blames me, but it’s fine. Nile will take care of him.”

“And you?”

“What about me?”

“Who’s going to take care of you?” She nudged the toe of my boot with hers.

“The same person who always has: me.”

“Erwin…”

“Hange,” I began as I ran a hand over my face, but then I realized I had no idea where to begin. Not when Hange was the one who had started it all. She had been friends with Evette and Andre long before our trainee days and once she had met me and Mike and Nile she had looped our little band together with a singularly zealous charm that was impossible to refuse. It wasn’t that she imposed herself on us so much as that she had a certain prescient way about her, as if she had always known that Mike would support her intellectual avidity and Nile would mentor Andre and I would recklessly fall for Evette. If anything I should have been offering her a shoulder, and yet here I was, too hollowed out to even respectfully give vent to my grief, let alone put hers into perspective.

“Hange, we’re all marked for the same end, hell, we signed up for it.” I hated myself the second the words kicked their way through my teeth.

Hange’s eyes went dark behind the gloss of restrained tears. “Don’t piss on her memory by downplaying the impact this has had on all of us.” She was furious and she had every right to be.

“We don’t honor Evette by mourning. You above all should know that she wouldn’t have wanted that. There will be time enough for reflection after our work here is done.”

“And if we’re done before our work is?”

At the risk of acquiring another black eye (the one gifted to me by Andre had only just healed), I reached for Hange’s hand and closed my fingers around hers. “Then we will all be happily rejoined in Valhalla.”

“Valhalla?” she asked, her thumb worrying the back of my hand.

“An old belief. One of the only things I carried with me from my village. It’s where fallen soldiers convene after death.”

She considered this a moment and then kindling burned away her tears. “Do you remember that night on the roof of the barracks?” And with that we fell into the simple synchronicity that had defined our friendship from the start. For the first time since Evette’s passing an honest smile parted my lips.

“Of course I remember. It was a warm autumn. We weren’t even out of training yet. We had nothing.”

“But Evette had cigarettes.”

I shook my head, the smile turning out a laugh. “She traded Alice her bar of soap for a pouch of bland tobacco and some papers.”

“And we snuck out in the middle of the night for a smoke.

“And Mike was pissed because we didn’t wake him.

“And Evette didn’t want us to wake Andre.”

“And Nile, who didn’t even smoke, pretended to anyway because he didn’t want to be left out.”

Hange laughed, scrunching her nose. “That’s right!”

“And then the two of you cornered me and pried into my personal history while Nile threw up.”

“And you told us about your home. Not Stohess, but your real home.”

“She hung on every word.”

“You dork, how did you not know?”

“I was in love with Leah. I was going to propose. How was I supposed to know?”

“That’s true.” And just as quickly we fell out of rhythm and into reverent silence. The smile slid off my face as Hange placed her other hand over mine and regarded me soberly. She grappled with a host of emotions before finally abandoning her instincts and settling on something less brittle. “You know I don’t always agree with you.”

“If you ever start, I’m going to have to put you out,” I began but she held her hand up for silence.

“I do know you well enough, though, to take what is given and not fuss too much about it. That being said, if you ever decide to drop the front, you know where to find me.”

“Thank you, doctor.” I didn’t deserve her, not in the least.

“Oh, that reminds me, I have news!” Hange’s mood could turn on a dime. “Alex pulled me out of the clinic, I’m getting my own squad!”

An interesting turn of events, although not entirely unexpected. “Well, it’s about time, congratulations, _Captain Zoe_!” I moved to embrace her and she threw herself into my arms with a squeal.

“That’s not even the best part!” She pulled back, eyes ecstatic. “He wants me to concentrate on my titan studies full time, and,” her voice dropped, “don’t let this out just yet, but the goal of our next expedition will be to capture a _live titan_. Can you believe it? A live titan, right here at headquarters!”

“Hange…that’s…” Entirely unexpected. Although now, it all made horrible sense.

“I know! I was speechless at first too, but, Erwin, this is a tremendous opportunity! Just imagine the advances we’ll make once we have a live specimen to examine. My uncle—you know, the one in the Garrison—is going to assist with developing the traps. The next few months are going to be insane even with Moblit to assist me. I’m so grateful to Mike for letting me keep him. Did you know that Moblit was locked up for having a whole library of banned books?”

She continued on but her voice was lost in the roar of my own rising panic.

“Tomorrow,” I interjected, awkwardly damming her manic stream of discourse.

“What about tomorrow?” she quipped.

“Are you helping in the clinic tomorrow?”

“No, why?”

“I hear that there are going to be some doctors here from the interior.”

“Oh, right, for the pox study. Yeah, no, I’m not involved with that.”

“Do you know why they are using us?”

“Well, the Corps is a good sample group for lots of reasons. The number one reason being diversity. Also, we go outside so we’re exposed to conditions that folks inside the walls aren’t. I suspect they're looking for anyone who might have developed a natural immunity to the virus.”

“Why the fasting, though?”

“Probably just to get a clean sample. That way they can test for any variables like metabolic irregularities or vitamin deficiencies that might affect the results of their investigation.”

“I see.”

“If you’re that interested, you can always ask Alex for more info. Doctor Yeager’s probably given him all the details.”

“Yeager?” My tongue felt thick and clumsy as I repeated the name.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Alex said that the doctor running things was named Grisha Yeager.”

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, finally pushed through the writers block and got this chapter posted. The end is near (sort of), and I'd love to hear your thoughts as to where you think this mess is going! Much thanks again to everyone who is still reading this fic :)

Mike flicked the soap off the straight razor and examined his handiwork.

“What do you think?" he asked.

Our eyes met in the mirror’s reflection.

“I don’t know. I don’t necessarily trust myself, that’s why I’m asking you.”

Mike was one of my closest confidants and I valued his opinion in nearly all matters. There was little that that I kept from him, if only because his exacting intuition made it near impossible.

“Not that. What do you think about this?” Mike gestured with the blade to the goatee that had been purposefully left behind. He wasn’t even mildly roused by the concerns that I had brought to his attention.

“It looks good, keep it.” It was true. The smattering of facial hair complimented Mike’s careless good looks if not completed the picture.

“I think I will,” he said, nicking away a stray hair and nodding with satisfaction.

“So…” I prompted. Again he caught my eye in the mirror.

“I think you should definitely finish shaving. Everyone will think you’ve cracked if you show up for inspection with three quarters of your face still covered in soap.” He turned, swiped a spot of lather from my chin and smudged it across my nose.

I glared. Mike grinned generously.

“I always wondered what Evette saw in you, but you know something, Erwin, you’re actually kind of cute when you’re pissed off.”

I wiped the soap off my nose and resumed shaving. Mike chuckled softly and rinsed his face.

“You’re purposefully being evasive,” I continued, never knowing when to leave well enough alone.

Mike rubbed a towel over his chin and throat and then tossed it over his shoulder. He crossed his arms over his chest and turned to face me, casually leaning one hip against the sink. “And _you_ are twisting the truth to suit your needs. What if it was the other way around and Levi had been swallowed? Would you accuse Evette of murder?”

“That’s different.”

“How?” he demanded.

“Even on his good days Levi is unstable. I would be remiss if I didn’t at least explore the possibility that it might not have been an accident.”

“Erwin!” his tone was sharp, commanding, and my hand faltered, the razor drawing blood. “Do you even hear yourself right now?”

Mike had an endless store of patience and I had somehow managed to use it up in a matter of minutes.

“Aren’t you the least bit suspicious? She was your friend too,” I said mildly.

Mike dropped his head and considered the floor. There was a moment of awkward silence as he searched for the right words. When he again lifted his eyes to mine they were pained but his tone remained firm.

“Yes, she was my friend, and I miss her, we all do, but you two _were not_ friends. You invested everything in each other, and now she’s dead and you’re bankrupt, and there’s no one left to blame for your incompetence.”

“Incompetence? Are you saying I’m not fit to lead?”

He sighed and shook his head, apparently aggrieved by my inability to read him as fluidly as he did me.

“No, that’s not it at all, so stop looking at me like you’re going to stab me in the neck and just listen for once.” He plucked the razor from my hand and crossed into my personal space.

“Mike—”

“I thought I told you to shut up,” he muttered as he tilted my chin to the side and began carefully carving away at my stubble with a concerned frown. “For someone with an expert rank in swordsmanship you’re surprisingly lousy with a razor.” He wiped the blood from my cheek with a rough thumb and raised his eyebrows in warning when I allowed myself a tense smile.

“Evette was a generous soul. Too generous,” he began, as he continued his work. “It was obvious from the start that she had more to offer than most, unfortunately, the one thing she lacked was the discernment to hold back. Just because she offered up her sword _and_ her heart didn’t mean that you had to accept both. Doing so was a mark of your incompetence as a leader, _but_ it was your only severe mark so everyone turned a blind eye.”

The import of Mike’s words did not elude me. Rarely did he speak so voluminously or with such intent. I swallowed hard and he noted the bob of my throat. The razor paused in its track along my jaw and Mike’s eyes went stern.

“Don’t go there, Erwin. Regret is useless in our profession. What you shared with Evette was unique.” He finished his work with a few quick strokes while mumbling half to himself, “Although, I’m not sure which you enjoyed more, fighting with her or fucking her.” This time it was my turn to shoot him a warning look. He regarded me with a grim smile, “No need to get huffy about it, I’m just saying, don’t punish Levi because the one person you’re really angry with is dead.”

“You think I’m angry with Evette?” It hadn’t even occurred to me before.

“Sure you are. You’re pissed at her for leaving you behind. You’re pissed because she made a mistake that cost her her life. You’re pissed that you even let her talk you into bringing Levi outside in the first place. Above all, though, you’re pissed because you can’t have it out with her. The titan got the last word before the argument even started. And now she’s dead, and the titan’s dead and you don’t know what the hell to do with yourself. Just accept it, and release it, and move on. It’s what she would have done.”

I leaned over the sink and washed my face allowing the cold water to run off my chin as Mike’s summation sank in. I didn’t even realize that I was shaking until he grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face him again. His gaze steadied me, forced me in on myself. I loved him and hated him all at once. Mike—less self-possessed, and more efficient, and always the stronger (damn him)—effortlessly saw the connections that I failed to grasp. He called me out when it was necessary and let me fall on my face when it wasn’t. No matter what, though, he always dragged me to my feet and drove me on. He would make a hell of a commander one day.

“Listen, you were there, I wasn’t, so sure you had a birds-eye view of the whole thing but I talked to Levi, and Charlotte corroborated his story. She ordered him to return to the main body of the formation in order to warn you of the titans headed in your direction. On his way back to the left guard he fell behind while crossing a clearing and the aberrant got to you first. It happens. The gear is useless in open spaces and communication between the scouts and the formation is poor. Using the flash flares on our way back to Maria was a good idea, though. You should be using that brain of yours to improve our strategies instead of inventing ways to hang your squad’s greatest asset.”

“You really think he’s that good?” I already knew the answer, had known it since the day I had laid eyes on Levi’s ragged carcass.

“I do. In fact, while you were away, he took on a lot of the responsibilities that normally would have fallen on your second. And yeah, it pissed off some of the senior members of your team. They say he’s overcompensating for the accident, and kissing ass, and all manner of petty, jealous bullshit, but he can take it from them. He can’t take it from you, though.” Mike jabbed me in the chest to emphasize his point. “You don’t give him an ounce of credit and he internalizes every slight. He honestly functions better when you’re not around.” He paused, running a hand over his face and though his hair. “I’ll tell you what, we both lost our seconds, right? Evette’s gone and Hange’s been promoted. If you can’t handle Levi, I’ll take him off your hands. The only one I’ve got that’s anywhere near him is Petra Ral. Granted, she’s a natural dualist but she’s no Hange Zoe. She’s still too green and too damn introverted to garner respect as a second.” He smirked then, shaking his head and huffing a laugh. “The kid peeps her head out of her shell whenever Levi is around, though. Go figure.”

“Really?” I couldn’t help but be amused.

“Yeah, but I don’t think she’s his type,” Mike replied with an offhanded sniff.

“Interesting.”

“Not really.”

“He’s brutal, what could she possibly see in him?”

“This doesn’t sound familiar to you at all?” Mike pulled a cocky grin and I couldn’t help but laugh with him. “Whatever, to each his own,” he added. “All I know is that she’ll fare better without the distraction, so what do you say to a trade?”

“I’m sorry, but I think I’ll hold onto him. He does, as you so noted, have his merits.”

“Suit yourself,” he shrugged. “The offer stands if you change your mind.”

“Thank you, Mike.” It was all I could muster, and it sounded inadequate, false.

“Just promise me...” He hesitated, his eyes grave and piercing as he placed a heavy hand on my shoulder, “that you’ll be careful.”

The taller man loomed over me for a second with a possessiveness that was near consuming.

“Always,” I breathed into the tight space between us just before he closed the gap with a crushing embrace.

It amazed me that after all this time he was still mine.

~*~

In the end it was Levi who offered a solution to our broken trust. When we lined up for inspection that morning he came and stood in the vacancy by my side, staking a claim before the entire squad on the spot normally reserved for my second, as if the position had always belonged to him. I stifled my immediate surprise and stared impassively ahead as Levi settled next to me without so much as a word or a glance. A low discontented murmur rumbled through my squad and even Boroi raised an eyebrow when he passed us.

“Come see me later and we’ll fill out the paperwork,” he grunted under his breath before moving on.

“Truce, Lieutenant?” I murmured when Alexander was out of earshot.

“I’ll think about it,” Levi retorted smugly.

We stood at attention as Boroi explained that the team of researchers before us had come on a mission for the interior, their ultimate aim being to eradicate a virus that was rapidly gaining purchase within Sina. There were ten in total, including four members of the Military Police. My attention settled on the man that Boroi introduced as the head researcher, Doctor Grisha Yeager. The man’s keen eyes surveyed us from behind small, round spectacles, and when they touched on me, every nerve in my spine came alive.

Apparently the doctor had caught Levi’s attention as well.

“Yeager’s one of the men from the tavern,” he muttered, confirming my suspicions.

“And the rest?” I asked.

He shook his head, the subtle motion nearly imperceptible.

After Boroi finished his introductions he handed us off to one of Yeager’s assistants who began reading from a list of names. Not all of us had been chosen for the study, which made me wonder all the more about their selection process. Most were from the batch of recruits that Mike and I had hand picked from the Garrison prison. Some were veterans, however, and when my own name was announced it came as no surprise. The chosen were being called in alphabetical order and, much to my chagrin, Levi’s name was pronounced after mine. When the assistant had finished, the commander approached Yeager and had a quiet word with him. The doctor’s eyes darted in my direction and lingered for an uncomfortable second before shifting back to Boroi. Yeager nodded agreeably and then Alex started toward me.

“You’re off the hook, Smith,” he announced. “Let’s take care of that paperwork.”

“I’ll meet you in your office,” I called after him as he strode past. “I need a word with Lieutenant Smith…before I forget.”

“Make it quick,” he groused without looking back.

The company was disbanding, the chosen making their way down to the clinic while the rest headed for the mess hall. I caught up with Levi before he could get too far, and took hold of his arm, a little too abruptly, a little too strong. He turned on me, startled, as I dragged him away from the throng.

“What the hell, Smith?” he barked, as he attempted to twist out of my grip.

Levi caught my eye, weighed the urgency there and was momentarily stayed, his expression quizzical. I pulled him close before releasing him.

“Figure a way out of it,” I said quietly.

“What? Why?” he asked, somewhere between confused and curious.

“Just do it,” I snapped.

I could see the questions crowding out reason and I braced myself for the blow, but it never came. He just sighed and shook his head.

“Fine, I hate needles anyway,” he grumbled, straightening his jacket and striding off at a brisk clip.

The boy loathed to admit that he was giving an inch, but at least he was learning the practical applications of obedience and negotiation. And the terms of our unspoken contract were forever in negotiation. Typical.

“One day, you’ll thank me,” I said, mostly to myself, but Levi heard and he waved a hand by way of reply, as if swatting at the very notion.

~*~

I signed the papers making Levi’s promotion official and pushed them back across the desk toward the commander.

“I don’t understand it, but I suppose you have your reasons,” he said, knowing full well that I wouldn’t reveal my purpose.

“Just as you have your reasons for taking me off the donor list,” I ventured.

Alexander leaned back in his chair, crossing his thick arms over the barrel of his chest. His jaw tightened and he leveled me with frank eyes as he made his excuses.

“You were in the capital recently, you could have been exposed. I didn’t want them stealing away with my best, so I asked them to excuse you on the pretense that you had only just returned from an errand inside Rose and had not properly fasted.”

“It’s true, I haven’t fasted, but I haven’t been exposed either. As you can see, I’m perfectly fit.”

“You always are,” Alex retorted, his face set in stone.

“You might like to know that there wasn’t even a hint of the virus in Mitras,” I added carefully.

“I’m sure measures have been taken to isolate the afflicted and negate any rumors.” His voice held the trace of warning and I backed down.

“I suppose you’re right. Such a thing could easily cause a panic.” I rose and started for the door.

“Erwin,” he called, and I turned to face him. The lines of worry and fatigue that in recent months had begun to mar his proud features suddenly seemed deeper. “Don’t ever forget where you came from. To the rest of these fucks you may be just a Smith but they don’t know you, not like I do. Remember your name and be true to it until the last.”

“I intend to, Sir,” I said, saluting.

Alex stood and returned the salute, a pretense he would normally scoff at. And with that simple concession I knew (perhaps Boroi did too) that his hour of judgment was near.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a side chapter that I wrote from Levi’s point of view just for funzies. The events take place while Erwin is away in Mitras, delivering the news of Evette’s death to her brother, Andre.

“Is your leg ok, Levi?”

Petra Ral had just knocked me on my ass and was now standing over me, offering me her hand.

“The leg’s fine,” I grunted as she hauled me to my feet. The old wound still nagged from time to time but today wasn’t one of those days. Even if it had been bothering me, I still wouldn’t have guilted her with it.

“I’m sorry, but it was the only way I could see out of the hold,” she said apologetically while tucking the ends of her short red bob behind her ears.

“You’re supposed to take advantage of your opponent’s weaknesses. That’s the whole point.”

She looked at me confused and concerned.

“Do you feel bad when you cut into a titan’s neck?” I asked, trying to explain it in terms she would understand.

“No, but the titan isn’t my brother.”

Brother. There it was again. Erwin had called me a brother too once. Such bullshit.

“Whatever, it’s getting late, let’s call it a day,” I replied, cracking my back.

“I was hoping you would say that, I’m starving! Meet you in mess?” she asked hopefully, her amber eyes bright.

“Sure.”

Petra trotted off in the direction of the women’s barracks and I watched her go, wondering again how the hell people like her ended up in the Corps. She was too good for this place, and too damn young—just twenty years old, her whole life ahead of her. There was an unexpected strength in her, though, along with a bite that tempered her sweetness. Another survivor.

Petra caught up with me in the mess hall and we chatted idly over this and that. She asked me to explain the semantics of the hold I had used on her during our sparring session and I asked her about the mystery box that she had brought with her.

“Oh, that, dad, sends me care packages from time to time. Shall we see what’s inside?”

“Your dad sends you stuff?” Must be nice to have a parent that gives a damn, although, I couldn’t imagine any self-respecting father allowing his only daughter to run off and join the Corps.

“Yeah, he still thinks of me as his little girl,” she said blushing.

“But you are little,” I smirked.

“We’re the same height so shut up,” she barked as she took the package in one hand and my wrist in the other and dragged me off the bench.

“Hey, hold on, where are we going?” I planted my feet and the force of the jolt whipped her around. Her eyes were wide as if she couldn’t fathom the reason for my suspicion, and frankly, I didn’t understand it either. Old habits I guess.

“For a walk?” she offered. And when my silence prompted her for more she glanced nervously around the room at the number of interested eyes observing our exchange. I did have a reputation.

“Sure, let’s go,” I said, draping an arm around her small shoulders and quickly guiding her outside. Our steps fell into rhythm—left, right, left, right—and the fact that our training pervaded even the simplest of actions almost made me laugh.

“So where are we going?” I asked again.

“You’ll see,” she said simply, twining an arm around my waist and taking the lead.

We ended up on a rise back near the training course. It was a nice view, but while I looked out over the valley, Petra’s eyes fixed on the stars. She brought my attention to a particular cluster, called it a constellation, and pointed out several other such patterns in the night sky.

“How do you know so much about the stars?” I asked, marveling at the figures that had been hanging over my head all this time without my knowing.

“My dad taught me,” she explained. “He had a book on it. He said that in the days before the walls, sailors used the stars to navigate across the ocean.”

“Sounds like your dad’s a heretic,” I teased. Petra frowned.

“One day, when we get out from behind these walls, I’ll have my own ship and then you’ll see.” There was that bite again.

“I don’t doubt it.”

“You can come too,” she chirped.

“I don’t know what good I’ll be. I don’t know anything about navigating ships.”

“That’s ok, you can swab the deck. We’ll have the cleanest ship on the seven seas,” she laughed.

“Wait, there are seven oceans?” I asked, forgetting to be annoyed by her joke. This was all starting to sound like fairytale nonsense and I was beginning to wonder if she wasn’t pulling my leg.

“Yep, and I’m going to see them all.”

If anything she was optimistic. I kind of felt sorry for her, but if her naïve dreams kept her going who was I to judge.

“How about we see what’s in that box first.”

“Oh, right, I almost forgot!” she exclaimed, placing the package between us as she began tearing into it.

I could hardly conceal my surprise at the bounty inside. There were all manner of goods and Petra was more than delighted to share each and every one.

“Here, from my favorite bakery, try it,” she said, offering me a chocolate cookie studded with peanut butter chips.

“Oh, no thanks—” But she shoved the damn thing in my mouth before I could get another word out. “Not bad,” I mumbled around a mouthful of heaven.

“See, I knew you’d like it,” she smiled, brushing what I presumed to be a crumb off my cheek, or maybe she was just being affectionate. I couldn’t tell. Petra was the touchy feely type.

Next there was a jar of pickled green tomatoes, apparently another favorite. She offered me one of those as well and I wrinkled my nose. Pass.

Then she pulled out a small package containing several cakes of soap. “Our neighbor back home makes these, smell,” she said, holding one of the bars under my nose.

“It smells like you.” Petra always smelled like lavender, and now I knew why.

“It’s lavender, silly.”

“I know what it is, silly.”

“Oh, but the best is for last!” she cried as she pulled two bottles of wine from the bottom of the box. One was red, the other white. Neither had labels identifying the vintner. “Dad makes wine,” she explained. “He’s just a hobbyist so the batches are small, but he has a buddy in Maria’s farming district who owns a vineyard and he sells him the grapes at half-price.”

“Nice,” I commented.

“Yeah, I used to love helping him squash the grapes.” A small, sad smile flitted across her lips. “I don’t particularly like reds, though, they give me a headache. How about you?”

“Red, white, makes no difference to me.”

“Here, you take the red bottle then,” she said, holding it out.

“Petra, really, I can’t, your dad made that for you.”

“He made it to be enjoyed, and a screaming headache is hardly enjoyable, so stop being difficult and take it.” I took the bottle and thanked her wholeheartedly. She was really too kind.

We stayed out a little longer, munching cookies and swapping stories. She always seemed as fascinated by my underground escapades as I was by the tales of her normal childhood. When the hour grew late I walked her back down to the barracks and she took me by surprise when she hugged me goodnight, planting a quick kiss on the corner of my mouth before dashing off. I stared after her, completely at a loss, and when she shut the door to the women’s barracks behind her, I stared a little longer. Then I remembered I was late for my weekly chess lesson with Hange. Despite her own erratic tendencies, our resident mad scientist demanded promptness from everyone else. I hurried off to her lab, taking the bottle of red with me. Hopefully the alcohol would make up for my slacking.

~*~

“This is good stuff. Where did you get it? Old connections?” Hange asked as she poured herself another tumbler of wine.

“Petra.” I replied, lighting a cigarette and handing it to her before lighting one for myself.

“Mike’s Petra?” Eyebrows raised in surprise.

“You see any other Petras around here?”

“No,” she giggled.

I rolled my eyes which only provoked further cackling.

“What?” I asked sharply.

“Don’t you know when you’re being wooed?”

And, so help me, I practically had to sit on my hands to keep from slapping that stupid grin off her face.

“Please, the kid’s probably still a virgin.”

“And I’m sure she doesn’t want to die one,” she said, balling up a piece of notepaper and launching it across the desk.

“Come on, we’re just friends,” I said, deflecting a second paper cannonball.

“She’s awfully cute.”

“I told you, it’s not like that.” Damn it if I couldn’t feel my ears burning, though.

“Then why are you blushing?” she taunted.

“It’s just the alcohol,” I muttered, taking a sip of wine and studying the chessboard. “When’s Erwin due back? It feels like he’s been gone forever.” A feeble attempt at changing the subject.

“Any day now, but Mike says a storm’s on its way so…” her voice trailed off as I took one of her bishops with my knight.

“You’re move, shitty glasses,” I said, and when I looked up, her eyes were wide, her mouth hanging open. She looked like a fish that had just been hooked out of the water.

“Mike was right, Petra’s not your type at all,” Hange said, quietly awed, the game momentarily forgotten.

Mike, that son-of-a-bitch. A man couldn’t so much as take a shit without him knowing all about it.

“What is my type then?” I asked, leaning back and pulling hard on my cigarette.

“Tall, blonde and stupidly handsome?” she ventured, quirking an eyebrow and having way too much fun at my expense.

“You got the stupid part right,” I snorted.

“I think I got all of it right!” More gaping and gasping.

“One more word and I’ll cut your fool tongue out,” I snapped. Hange laughed loud and long, not the least bit intimidated.

“Listen, I don’t blame you,” she said, struggling to compose herself, “but, Erwin, he’s just…” Her eyes searched the ceiling.

“An arrogant fuckwit who doesn’t give two shits about anyone but himself?” I supplied.

“I was going to say ‘particular’ but yeah, I guess he does come off that way.” There was a moment of hesitant silence and I waited for her to finish. Hange took a final drag from her cigarette before crushing it out in the ashtray. “But that never deterred Evette either,” she added, and her eyes met mine with a soft, almost tearful smile.

I reached for my glass and washed down the lump in my throat. It landed heavy in my stomach, practically burning a hole through it.

“I’m sorry,” I said, guilt stinging the back of my eyes. The apology wasn’t enough, would never be enough. Evette was a good woman and a good leader. She had a sharp mind, and an even sharper tongue, but above all she knew how to mold a soldier to fit his niche. Even stubborn fuckwits like me…Erwin too I suppose.

“It’s not your fault.”

“If I had just—” Hange dismissed me with a wave.

“This isn’t a pity party, Levi. If we all spent our short lives carrying around the ‘what ifs’ we’d be so weighed down that even the maneuver gear couldn’t get us off the ground.”

“But if I had killed the titan before it reached them, she’d still be alive. Now Erwin wants my head on a silver plate, and—” Hange quaffed the last of her wine and slammed the empty glass down on the desk.

“Stop it,” she snapped. “Both you and Evette acted with the aim of protecting your captain and you succeeded. End of story.”

“You don’t see the way he looks at me, though.”

“He went back for you, didn’t he?” she said coolly.

“Yeah, but there’s been hell to pay ever since. And it’s not even anything he says or does. It’s the silence that’s driving me crazy. I just wish he would scream at me, already.”

“That’s not his way,” Hange said, shaking her head. “Besides, if there’s anyone he blames it’s himself. Just be patient and for chrissake don’t press him, otherwise, he _will_ bury you.”

“It’s like that, huh?”

“For now, yes, but give it time. Erwin knows your worth and he won’t let this ruin his plans for you. He’s too methodical.”

“He has plans for me?” Her presumption seemed absurd, and more than a little frightening.

“Sure, why do you think he pushes you so hard?”

“Because he’s an asshole.”

“No, idiot,” she barked, hopping out of her chair and cuffing me upside the head. “It’s because he wants you to succeed. Mark my words, Levi, one day that man is going to be running things, and you, and me, and Mike are going to be right up there with him.”

“Fine, whatever, I get it,” I said, rubbing the spot where she had hit me. Damn brute. “It’s still your move.”

Hange glanced down at the remaining pieces, eyes glinting triumphantly as she shoved her queen across the board.

“Checkmate!”


	11. Chapter 11

It’s not an easy thing asking a man to kill for you. As members of the Corps, my subordinates at least had the alleged Wings of Freedom driving their blades through battle. Focusing that drive on one of our own, however, was a different matter entirely. Levi tended to make a huge production out of even the smallest requests and asking him to murder the commander was an impossibly tall order, even on a good day. And it wasn’t a good day, hadn’t been for months.

“I need to know why,” my lieutenant said vacantly from his perch on the bench beneath the bay window in my office.

He hadn’t said ‘no’, and that was at least a start.

“In time,” I replied as I continued to review Hange’s map for the coming expedition. She had highlighted several areas that might be ideal for trapping a titan and wanted my opinion on each before presenting a final proposal to Boroi. We had just three short weeks left to prepare and no truly effective way of testing the traps that her uncle had developed. On top of that, winter was behaving like a jealous mistress, one that refused to release us from her throes. Everyone was scrambling and praying to their gods.

“Boroi’s done me no wrong. It doesn’t feel right,” he continued.

“Your name was on the list. If you hadn’t feigned illness at my order, you might not even be here.” I lifted my eyes from the map, practically bored a hole in the side of his head willing him to face me, but he continued to stare out the window, half-mesmerized by the fat wet flakes pouring out of the March night.

“Don’t remind me,” he sighed, fingers pinching the bridge between eyes that were shut tight. The lethargy of his tone indicated that he was teetering on the limits of exhaustion, we all were, but unlike most, Levi thrived on these tired moments, very nearly reveled in the struggle to get there. My second was at his best when he was at his end. “Can you please just tell me what’s going on so I can make an informed decision for once?”

Over the past month the donors had begun to disappear. One by one they were called away to the capital for further testing, and then nothing. Not a word had been heard from any of them since. Suspicion and rumors abounded, but no one dared to question Boroi outright. Most believed that the chosen had been infected and died while others held to the hope that they were still somehow aiding the researchers in their continued efforts to find a cure. Despite the varied opinions, the general consensus was that the test subjects would not be returning. And now Levi was looking to me for answers.

“I can’t say for sure.” And really, I couldn’t, not yet.

“You could say something,” Levi said, shaking off the lethargy and reaching for something closer to indignation.

“Alex facilitated the researchers’ efforts, and with him out of the way, Yeager may be hesitant to pursue us further.”

“And who’s going to take Boroi’s place? You?” Finally. There it was. The accusation I had been waiting for. His eyes said it all, and more, as they locked on mine, cold as the fingers walking up my spine.

“Keith is next in line. He’s not—”

“Shadis? Bullshit, he’ll crack in a month. The man’s on the verge of a breakdown as is,” Levi scoffed, turning back to the window.

“Perhaps, but at least he’s honest. He won’t conspire to sell us off just because the budget is tight.”

“That’s it? That’s your reason?” It dissatisfied him but that was to be expected.

“Isn’t it enough?”

His head snapped around, eyes incredulous. “To kill a man? It doesn’t take much to get on your shit list does it?”

I put down my notes, a well formulated response on my lips, but he interrupted me before I could let the words fall.

“So where am I at on your list, Erwin? If I sabotage Boroi’s gear like you’re asking, do I get off the list?”

Naturally he was still concerned for his own welfare, and as such, had left the door open for the most obvious answer of all.

“You were never on my so-called list, Levi.” Another velvet lie.

“Like hell,” he muttered, turning away again. But I could tell from the way his shoulders bunched when he crossed his arms over his chest that he wanted it to be true. Levi was such a sulky thing.

I reached into my desk drawer, pulled out a couple of cigarettes and closed the few feet between us. I sat on the bench across from him, and he didn’t flinch when my knee came to rest against his so I left it there. I held out a cigarette and his eyes shifted to my hand, frowning.

“Go on, it’s not poison,” I laughed roughly around the cigarette between my teeth while lifting a window.

“And how would you kill me?” he asked, accepting my offering and picking up the thread from an old conversation. It had only been a few months since that night but it seemed like forever ago. If only I could rewind the hours and take back the thinly veiled threat that had driven a wedge between us.

“Quickly,” I muttered, lighting my cigarette and tossing him the matchbook. “You deserve that much.”

He lit his cigarette, flicked the match out the window and inhaled deeply. He rested his heavy head back against the wall and considered the snow piling up outside. His hair masked his eyes but the collar of his shirt was open, his cravat undone, and the soft light reflecting off the snow highlighted the curve of his throat when he swallowed thickly.

“I once thought that this place would make an honest man out of me,” he confessed to the sprawling valley. “Four years and then free. It seemed simple enough.”

“Honesty is a luxury reserved for those fortunate enough to survive themselves.” There was a loathsome part of me, scornful and aloof as it was, that couldn’t help but mock his naïveté.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he bristled, the ire in him flaring.

“We’re not honest men, Levi. We just wear the guise,” I chuckled, all too aware of the frayed grin twisting my words.

“Then why not kill Boroi yourself?”

It was a legitimate question. One that I didn’t have an immediate answer to, but I muddled through anyway, if only because my second was staring at me as if I had gone mad. With great effort I composed myself into the mask that he responded to, the one that brought him home.

“Did you always do your own killing in the underground?” I asked pointedly.

“Not always, but—”

“Your men were your tools. You trusted them to be your eyes, your ears, and when you needed them most, they became your sword.” He remained silent, waiting, very nearly reaching for the words that would justify his condemned soul. “You are by far my sharpest tool, Levi,” I conceded, allowing a hint of the fondness I felt for him to trickle into the words. It was a crumb, a mere taste, but it was all he needed. Levi shifted against the wall, his back flexing and relaxing with the relief of some small pressure. His eyes wandered over me with practiced disdain, and in that instant (after months of abiding his dodgy indifference) I knew I finally had him.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” he said, wholly accepting his defeat.

I didn’t even realize that I was holding my breath until I exhaled.

~*~

We were three days out of Maria when our luck dried up. The weather had been fair, balmy even, and the titans we encountered were large lumbering things, like bears fresh out of hibernation. They were easy enough to dispose of but too big to capture. We needed something smaller, no more than five meters, but the minis (as Hange affectionately called them) tended to be aberrant. Trying to find a small, relatively docile titan was like hunting for the proverbial needle in a haystack. And then overnight, the weather changed. The storm descended with such swiftness that it even took Zacharius by surprise. The whiteout conditions left us stranded for nearly a whole day. After losing a cadet to frostbite, Boroi decided it was time to brave the storm. Endless hours were spent blundering over our own tracks but somehow, fate’s guiding hand brought us to an outpost that we had reclaimed a few expeditions ago. It wasn’t until we were safely inside the stronghold that we discovered three of our company had been lost in the blind. An argument broke out over whether or not we should go after them, but Boroi wasn’t having any of it. The dissenters were escorted to the cells below to cool off but they all came screaming back within seconds. We weren’t the only ones taking shelter from the storm. A titan, a small one, had found its way into the bowels of the castle. Hange was elated, the rest of us appalled. Levi just rolled his eyes, grabbed his pack and headed for the safety of the second floor.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit,” he groused, stomping up the stairs, leaving the rest of us to deal with the situation.  
   
I called after him but it did nothing to thwart his desertion. He just flipped a middle finger over his shoulder (whatever that meant, nothing pleasant I’m sure) and kept going.  
  
With the titan safely barred in the dungeon, and three men standing watch at the door, the rest of us sat down to formulate a plan for capturing it. The space below the fortress was close and wouldn’t allow any room for error. As much as we disliked the idea, luring it out into the receiving hall was our best option. The hallways between the dungeon and the central cul-de-sac were narrow. It would be like running an angry bull through a chute, but it was our only chance as the space afforded multiple vantage points. Harpoon cannons could be set up on both the ground floor and along the second-story walkway that wrapped around three quarters of the hall. The net could be dropped from the ceiling once the titan was securely anchored and then…well, then we would just have to wait and see if everything held.  
  
With a rough plan worked out, the commander started assigning stations. Hange and her squad were naturally overseeing the traps. I was selected to head up the contingency squad on the second floor walkway. Our job would be to kill the titan if things went awry. When Boroi asked for volunteers to lure the titan out, an ominous silence fell over the company.  
   
“I’ll do it.” We all turned. Levi had rejoined us. “I want Nanaba and Darlett with me, though,” he added.  
  
“Fine, you two ok with that?” Boroi called in a voice that said he most definitely would not accept their refusal.  
  
“Why I’d be honored,” Nanaba said, smiling wide and dipping into a mock curtsey.  
  
Darlett replied with a strong affirmative but his face had paled to a ghastly shade of white.  
  
“It’s settled then,” the commander barked, jilting us out of our stupor and pressing us to action. “Let’s start setting up those traps, Zoe. I hope you and your uncle prove to be as ingenious as you are mad!” He bellowed a hearty laugh, clapping Hange on the back so hard that her glasses flew off her face and went skittering across the floor. They landed at Levi’s feet and he shook his head as he bent to pick them up. Hange started blindly toward him and he placed the spectacles on her nose, the smallest bit of humor teasing one corner of his mouth. Zoe blinked dazedly for a second before gathering Levi into her arms, practically squeezing the life out of him. He hugged her back just as hard, whispered a sly something against her ear and they shared a private laugh before releasing each other, eyes shining.

“Why did you volunteer?” I asked, falling into step next to him as he strode past.

“I didn’t want to let Hange down,” he said and then paused, glancing up at me briefly before blinking away. “And so that you wouldn’t.”

“My station had already been determined, though.”

“Yeah, but you had that look in your eye. I’ve seen it enough times to know what it means. You were prepared to argue with Boroi until he caved, but I wasn’t about to let you have your way. Not this time.” He started off again and I had to hustle to catch up to him.

“What about our agreement?” I hissed, barely able to contain my agitation.

Levi pulled up short and stiff. “Please tell me you didn’t just ask me that.” His words had no bite to them at all. If anything he sounded injured. Before I could attempt to placate him he scrunched his eyes shut and inhaled sharply as if drawing on some hidden reserve. “I already know what you’re going to say and no matter how you perfume it, it’s still going to smell like bullshit. Just…” His eyes snapped open, furtively surveying me and the room before he finally grabbed my elbow and led me off a few paces into a shadowed alcove. His hand slid up my arm, clasped my shoulder, and he took a step closer, looking for all the world like a hung man. “Before I even knew your name I knew what you were all about, but you…” he shook his head as if disappointed, “you still act as if you have no clue about me. Don’t I always make good on my word, Erwin?” There was a slight tremble to his voice as his fingers tightened their hold.

“This is a little more complicated, though.”

“It is. The stakes are a lot higher,” he said, his hand dropping from my shoulder, “and you’re scared to death of losing me. If I didn’t already know you, I might be offended by the fact that you’re concern isn’t really for my welfare. No, the prospect of having to do your own dirty work for once is far more terrifying, isn’t it?”

And if I never wanted to throttle him before…

“Whatever, at least if I die tonight, it will be for the cause and not one of your schemes.”

“Since when did you believe in the cause?” I blurted out, adding insult to injury when what I really wanted to say was _I’m exhausted and I’m failing and I can’t fix this mess on my own, so please, don’t forfeit your life_. But it wasn’t exactly the right time (would it ever be?) to explain that the so-called cause was a farce and the real fight hadn’t even begun yet.

Levi’s whole body went loose, as if hanging on a string, his eyes achingly empty. “I don’t, but Hange does, and I can at least get behind what she’s trying to do. What are you fighting for, Erwin?”

It was a rhetorical question, one that I was supposed to answer for myself. Levi had already come up with his own answer and he wasn’t about to let me take that away from him. He just wanted me to meet him halfway, respectfully acknowledge his decision and let him go with a good heart. And I couldn’t even do that. My very silence failed him. I let him turn away from me, possibly for the last time, the wings on the back of his jacket a mocking reminder of everything that had been ripped from my ineffectual grasp.

And then he spun on his heel, calling to me almost merrily as he continued to walk backward, “You know what, fuck it, there’s no chance I’m dying in this shithole. I’ll take care of everything on the way back to Maria. I gave you my word, didn’t I?” His grin was so crazed and his eyes so earnest that I actually believed him.

~*~

The titan came crashing into the receiving hall, snapping and thrashing and howling bloody murder. Its claws caught on Levi’s harness, breaking the straps as he twisted away from its grasp. The gear hooks came unhinged and he fell onto the beast’s gnarled forehead. It swatted at him, knocking him to the ground, but not before he had buried his blades deep into its eyes. Boroi gave the order and the cannons fired, their hooks sinking into the titan’s flesh from every angle. Levi rolled away from the stumbling giant and then Nanaba was gliding out of the hallway from which the titan had appeared just seconds prior. She narrowly avoided the second barrage of anchors and scooped Levi off the floor, throwing his limp body over one shoulder before darting out of view. Darlett was nowhere to be seen but the titan’s teeth were stained a telling red. The entire company cheered as the net dropped, but I took no joy in our triumph. The sight of the titan twisting in its bonds served as a grim reminder of just how far removed we were from the rest of humanity. We were nothing more than a lost civilization, playing out our absurd little drama while the world moved on. Our own willingness to forget and to be forgotten had bound us all in gilded chains. Was there even a single soul left that could be made to remember? The titan whined almost plaintively, its upturned eyes, now healed, questing with a ceaseless hunger. Surely _they_ remembered…they had to.

~*~

“Captain, Smith!” The voice was high and sharp, accompanied by hurried steps. I turned away from Keith and Mike, frowning at the interruption. We’d just come from a meeting with Boroi and were discussing the loose ends of the commander’s tentative plan for transporting the titan back to Maria. Unfortunately they were threads that only Captain Zoe could tie up and she had missed the meeting. Overworked, Alex had ordered her to bed and when I saw her assistant, Moblit, jogging toward me, my first thought was of her.

“Sorry, Sirs, I don’t mean to interrupt,” he said shakily, eyes darting over our grim faces. The man always had a near shattered look about him, probably the result of the frenetic pace that Hange set for her team. “But it’s about Lieutenant Smith, I thought you should know.”

“Know what?” I asked evenly as my heart leaped into my throat.

“He’s awake, Sir. He’s finally come round.”

“Thank you, Moblit,” I said, dismissing him with a nod, unable to show just how relieved I was at the news. Nearly twelve excruciating hours had passed since Levi had been taken down by the titan. Twelve hours of uncertainty that had been spent in fuzzy focus strategizing what was going to be a suicidal run back to Maria. The weather was clearing but the terrain was sloppy, the way back treacherous. Boroi had shot down my idea of setting up a temporary base here for Hange’s squad so that we didn’t have to risk losing the titan (not to mention the whole damn company) and I was near ready to murder him myself, but now…now there was hope. Levi had made it out of the woods. Maybe we all would.

I glanced over at Shadis and Mike and saw the infectious light of hope rising in their bloodshot eyes as well.

“Well what do you know,” Keith grinned.

Mike looked at him and shook his head. “I told you he’d be fine.”

“Are you kidding? I never doubted Levi for a second. That mean little bastard will probably survive us all,” Shadis laughed. “Go on, Smith, see about your lieutenant. We’ll catch up later after Zoe’s had her rest,” he said, waving me off. “And tell him to get is ass in gear. We’re going to need him tomorrow.”

I nodded my assent and turned, holding myself back from running, from taking the stairs to the second floor two at a time—the rhythmic click of my heels on cold stone the only thing steadying me. Before I knew where my feet had carried me I was outside his door, my hand hesitating on the warped wood for an uncertain second before finally shoving it open. The room was grey and still, a low fire burning in the hearth. Hange had made up a bed for him, had lovingly dressed his wounds and piled furs over his battered body. I stood in the doorway, chest tight, scarcely able to breathe. And then there was the smallest motion, a stirring beneath the blankets. Tufts of black hair and bandages emerged along with a wry grin.

“Hey, blondie,” Levi rasped, peering blearily at me from beneath heavy, purple lids.

“Hey, yourself,” I exhaled.

“You look like shit,” he grumbled, stiffly propping himself up on the heap of cloaks pillowing his head.

I smiled self-consciously as I raked my fingers through my hair and crossed the room. “You’ve seen better days yourself.”

He hummed and adjusted the blankets, squinting almost painfully into the afternoon light. “Where are we?” he asked, wincing as he took in his surroundings.

“We’re still at the outpost,” I said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “The storm’s finally let up and we’ll be heading back to Maria tomorrow.”

“The titan?” Eyes liquid and dazed.

“It’s secure.”

“Good, tell Zoe she owes me one.” A laugh wheezed out of his bruised chest and he coughed drily.

I reached for the canteen and cup on the nightstand and poured him some water. He took it eagerly.

“She’s been caring for you this whole time herself. Between fawning over you and her new pet, she ran herself ragged. Boroi finally had to order her to go get some rest. How are you feeling?”

“Hungry,” he said, licking his lips after draining the cup.

“I’ll have some food brought up.”

“Thanks, make sure the steak is rare. Don’t skimp on the mashed potatoes and gravy either.”

“I suppose you’d like some ale with your dinner, too,” I said smiling, relieved by his good humor.

“Ale? C’mon, Smith, I nearly died. Bring me some of that good Unicorn hooch you keep stashed in your room.”

For the first time in weeks, maybe months, we shared an honest, easy laugh.

“Mystery stew and water it is then,” I declared.

“Hell, anything’s better than a feeding tube,” he mumbled, the smile giving way to a concerned frown as he began to work through the gaps in his memory. “Nanaba, she was behind me.”

“She’s fine. She actually scraped you off the floor after you fell.”

He exhaled a sigh of relief. “Neither one of us would be here if it wasn’t for Darlett. The titan got him and those seconds bought us time.”

“That’s the way it usually goes.”

“That doesn’t make it any easier.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Does this ever get easier?” he sighed, his head dropping back onto his makeshift pillow, eyes searching the grey skies outside.

“We wouldn’t be human if it did.” I was about to take my leave and go see about his supper when I noticed the slender fingers curled tentatively around mine. I gave his hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze, and though I was reluctant to leave him, he needed food and rest and time to process it all. I released his hand and rose from the bed. Levi turned his gaze from the window and looked up at me with the most piteous expression, as if he was fighting a silent battle and losing miserably.

“I meant what I said, Erwin. It’ll be done on the way back. It takes more than a few bruises to slow me down.”

I almost told him to forget it, that he wasn’t beholden to me any longer, that it was wrong of me to even ask for such a thing in the first place. But I didn’t. My merciless ego still desired a companion in hell more than it did a clear conscience.

~*~

It was nearing the end of my watch and my eyelids were growing heavy. Thankfully, Levi would be here to relieve me soon. I dropped from my perch and leaned against the old oak’s gnarled trunk, tired eyes shut against the gusting wind. The last dregs of winter stung my cheeks, calling me home. Home. Where the biting winds rarely ceased and the misty peaks beckoned with stony mystery. Heinrich and I had once made a pact to climb the steepest of those peaks together, just as soon as we were old enough and humble enough to survive it. We had cut our teeth on its foothills and dared its cliffs as boys playing at being men. Our mother had always encouraged our precocious clambering, never fearing that we would fall because fall we must. She understood that every tumble hardened our bodies, sharpened our minds and tamed our wild hearts. The thing that really goaded us on, though, were her stories of what lay beyond the ridge. According to her, there were great waterways that bustled with crafts whose shipmen hailed from aisles of infinite summer. They culled their fortunes from the sea and plundered ports of unimaginable wealth. The world as she described it staggered with opportunity if only we had the courage to dream. I often wondered if Heinrich could see me now would he still find me worthy of the pilgrimage.

“It’s done.”

I opened my eyes as Levi stepped out of the gloom. The wind caught his hood and it billowed away from him before he could catch it—errant snowflakes peppering his dark hair and dusting his shoulders.

“No one saw you?”

“Not a soul. Besides the scouts guarding the titan, most everyone’s asleep down there.”

The moon broke through the patchy clouds sending razors of light and shadow angling across the boy’s stark features. I chided myself for still thinking of him as a boy. After his promotion, I had inspected his personnel file more closely and found that despite appearances, Levi was only a year younger than myself.

“Thankfully, it’s time for me to join them,” I yawned. “Can I bring you anything before I retire? Some tea perhaps?”

“For starters, how about my dignity?” He held out his hand as if expecting me to pull the thing from my pocket and drop it into his palm.

“I’m sorry but I seem to have misplaced it,” I muttered as I began to walk away, but if the jab sounded unnecessarily harsh to my own ears it must have been a slap in the face to Levi.

Before I could take more than a few steps in the direction of camp, he cut me off, his hand darting out and fisting around the collar of my cloak. He shoved me irreverently back against the tree trunk, a strong wind stealing the curse from his lips before it could reach my ears. Above us, the moon once again hid her face and bare limbs clawed at each other as they shivered against the squall. I could barely discern the outline of Levi’s cloak but I was acutely aware of the heat of his body and the urgency of his nearness. His frosty breath ghosted my cheeks when he spoke.

“I don’t give a fuck that the things you ask me to do are criminal. I’ve been a deviant all my life. Hell, I was raised by crooks. My childhood was spent eating their scraps and covering up their mistakes and the second I was old enough and smart enough to know that I could have more, I betrayed them. But never in all that time, _never_ ,” he spat, shaking me roughly, “did they expect me to bow to them. We were all filth, bottom-feeders, whores. None of us pretended to be any better and if anyone got uppity about it they were quickly reminded of their place. There’s nothing worse than some opportunistic piece of shit going around pretending to be something he isn’t. Do I make myself clear, _Smith_?”

I nodded silently, my eyes adjusting to the dark. Levi’s face was a contorted blur several inches below mine. His fingers, still twisted in an iron grip around my collar (and more than a bit of skin), were icy and trembling. In fact his whole body was shaking, as if the delicate mechanisms holding him together were all coming undone at once.

He pulled me down, close enough for me to inspect him properly, and his eyes once again betrayed the fatigue behind his sneer. It had been a while since he had vented his frustrations so freely but that wasn’t what was driving him to exhaustion.

“Then don’t make me remind you of your place again, you fucking hypocrite,” he growled.

After several seconds of glaring uncertainty, Levi shoved off of me. Despite his age, there was still something so young and petulant about him. He wanted breaking in the worst possible way but wasn’t quite yet confident enough or humble enough to know how to properly ask for it. In a fit of temper he turned from me but I caught him by the wrist before he could engage his maneuver gear. Predictably he resisted and when his eyes locked with mine they were wide and livid. I flung him against the tree, my mouth swallowing the startled noise that burst from his lips. He strained against me as I crushed my body against his, pinning him, and he groaned a curse into my mouth. I grabbed a handful of his hair, and pulling his head back lifted his throat to my lips. His pulse throbbed against my teeth and fleetingly I wondered what he tasted like. I returned my lips to his mouth and swallowed his greedy tongue before my curiosity got the better of me. Slowly, ever so slowly, Levi began to relax, no longer disguising the desire that for so long must have seemed impossible to reconcile. Instead of fighting against me he practically clung to me, his heart pounding ardently against mine, calling my own tired need back to life. I kissed him madly, as if my very existence depended on it. Being reduced to such manipulations was at best an appalling new low but if there was any hope of gaining a foothold in the wall I couldn’t lose him, not him. In a flush of shame I remembered Evette—the thrill of unraveling all her complicated layers, the arguments, the way she could undo me with a look. In the beginning, it was a wonder we suffered each other at all, but by the end, when we were done with the fighting and the fear, there was nothing left to do but love one another. Deep in thought I didn’t notice Levi undoing my pants until his cold fingers slipped into them. I flinched in surprise and he held me tighter for it. I began fumbling with his belt and he laughed low and gravelly.

“Gods, you’re clumsy. How in the hell have you managed to survive this long?”

I hesitated, drew back an inch, and looked at him, really looked at him, and for once he wasn’t scowling. He was smiling, honestly smiling, from his lips to the near-flirtatious glint in his eye and it was beautiful. In his own astonishing way, Levi was beautiful. He didn’t allow me more than a moment’s reflection, though. Reeling me back in with a slow, dark kiss, he took me apart bit by bit—his tongue carving me open; his fingers plying the last of my conscience out of me. We came, hopeless and disheveled and shivering. I felt numb and relieved and utterly insane. We slumped to the ground, the cold and the wet a reminder of our vulnerable position.

“Come back with me,” I whispered against his ear.

“It’ll look suspicious if I skip watch.” He covered my face with his palm and shoved me away. I slipped and fell back into the slush, laughing in spite of it all. We hauled ourselves out of the aftermath of our transgression like somnambulists startled out of a dream, and reassembled each others’ uniforms in a dazed silence. Reticent and confused I departed, but not before planting a final kiss upon his burning brow. Levi called after me, staying me with a few simple words.

“I’m not her, Erwin.” And the way his accent habitually softened the last syllable of my name lent a delicacy to the assertion. I glanced over my shoulder and saw conviction written all over him—his vanity, his pride, his singularity—and it tore at my heart.

“No, you’re not. No one could ever hope to take her place. As long as you don’t try to, we’ll both be able to move forward.”

Levi’s silence spoke of his tentative satisfaction. He was his own man after all. His guarded ego required validation, and if I wanted his allegiance I would have to prove my words true.


	12. Chapter 12

There was only one titan attack on our way back to Maria and only one casualty, the commander himself. I did not witness his end, but Mike said he went quietly, almost without struggle. When Boroi’s gear failed to launch he didn’t so much as raise his blades against the goliath bearing down on him. Perhaps he welcomed it. Perhaps he was relieved to finally let the weight of all those glittering medals fall away. That’s what I told myself anyway. It seemed a reasonable enough excuse for my lack of remorse, but the lie didn’t quite stick, and my apathy made me uneasy.

Treachery and deceit were becoming second nature and I had never wanted that. I had meant to hold onto myself, but I hadn’t been myself for a long time and was now too deeply entrenched in the political mire to even wonder where I should begin looking for my once lofty ideals. The misguided boy who had enlisted so many years ago was nowhere to be found, and though I didn’t exactly loathe the man he had become, I could hardly say that I respected his methods, let alone recognize his ever-changing face. He was, however, necessary. Especially now that Alex was dead and an incompetent man had taken his place.

Unlike his stalwart predecessor, Shadis was irresolute, pliable. He would welcome counsel, and probably fail horribly without it. I would certainly do my part to keep him afloat for a year or two, but he would inevitably fall on his sword. It would be a simple thing; I wouldn’t even have to remove him as I did Boroi. Our commander would fold all on his own.

~*~

I dismounted in the yard and led my mare down the barn aisle, waving off the grooms. It had been a while, too long, since I had taken care of Ardis myself and I needed a distraction from the titan’s wailing, something to reset my focus so I could begin figuring a way out of this mess. I parked my dappled bay in front of her stall and began stripping her of her tack.

Ardis was from old stock, tall and broad but with just enough Thoroughbred blended in to keep her light on her feet. Steady and reliable, she had seen me through many an expedition, had saved my worthless hide more times than I cared to count. There was no use speculating about how things would have turned out if I had been riding her instead of my gelding on the day that Evette was lost, but I often wondered about it just the same.

I set Ardis’ saddle aside for cleaning later and she sighed heavily, dropping the snaffle into my palm and licking her lips when I removed the bridle. I ran a hand down her big white blaze and she butted her head against me, as if telling me to hurry up and get to work. Her winter coat was thick with sweat, her legs and underbelly caked with mud. This was going to take some time. I shrugged off my cloak and jacket and rolled up my sleeves. Ardis stood ever patient while I retrieved a bucket of water and proceeded to remove the debris. Afterward, I curried her, focusing on the peak of her left shoulder, the spot that made her stretch her neck and pucker her lips. I laughed at her expressed delight and thought back on my time at the livery in Stohess. Working the horses had come surprisingly natural; to say that I missed the rough honest work was an understatement, but I had no regrets. My efforts were better spent as a soldier, that much I still believed.

Ardis shook herself out from head to tail and looked at me expectantly, letting me know that she was done with grooming and was now ready for her apple. Feeling a bit peckish myself, I retrieved the fruit from my jacket and took a bite. The mare emitted a low whicker, apparently displeased that I had taken a share of her treat. I smiled at the admonishment and handed her the rest. She chewed noisily, contentedly, while I checked her shoes and toweled off her legs. I fed her another apple and let her stand to further dry while I mucked out her stall and laid down fresh bedding, knowing that she would be wanting a roll when I finally put her home. I was heaping hay into her feeder when I noticed her draw her head up sharply, ears pricked. Pushing her hindquarters out of the way, I stepped out of the stall in time to see Levi approaching.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, walking up to my horse and feeding her a carrot with one hand while undoing the tangles in her dark shaggy bangs with the other.

“Taking care of my horse?” I suggested.

He shook his head and smiled as the mare nuzzled his pockets searchingly. I opened the stall door wide and she brushed past us, the lure of dinner and a dry bed more enticing than anything we had left to offer.

“No, I mean here, the Corps,” he clarified.

I latched the stall door and leaned both elbows on top of it. Ardis dropped to her knees and rolled over in the bedding with a deep satisfied grunt.

“I ask myself that all the time,” I replied quietly.

A howl pierced the night and I was drawn back to the immediate situation—the titan in our courtyard, the death of my one-time mentor and the abominable mystery surrounding the disappearance of the numbers chosen for the pox study.

“You’ve done your duty and more. Why do you keep reenlisting? Why not go back to Stohess, raise horses and a family?” Levi’s tone was almost accusing and I turned to face him. 

The truth clamored for release, but I bit it back. One day I would tell him, would have to in order to make things right, but not tonight.

“Because I can’t, Levi, not while the walls are still standing.” Another of the titan’s near-human cries echoed across the compound and Levi turned in the direction that the howl had come from, his brow furrowed as if pained. “Do you really believe that the whole world has been devoured by mindless cannibals?”

He eyed me carefully, the gears grinding away at the logic that had been pounded into him from birth.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” he said, his voice low and terse. “I want to believe in you, but I can’t. Not until you start trusting yourself enough to be honest with me.” He started down the barn aisle then, knowing full well that there would be no rebuttal, but when he realized I wasn’t following he swiveled back around and threw his hands up in exasperation. “Are you waiting for an invitation?”

"Where are we going?” Apparently I had missed something.

“To bed, where else?” But of course Levi would be the incorrigible sort. As for me…well, it had been a hard drive and the very prospect of spending the night with him made me lightheaded.

“I was hoping to clean my tack and shower first,” I said, appealing to his propensity for hygiene and order.

“The grooms will take care of your equipment and you can afford to wash later. Let’s go,” he insisted, pivoting on his heel and marching out of the barn.

Clearly his hierarchy of needs had been reordered. It was going to be a long night.

~*~

The second we entered my room I shoved Levi onto the bed. There was no longer any need for talk or pretense. The devil wanted his due and he would not be denied. Levi twisted around, embracing me as I fell on top of him. My lips parted on his name but he stole it from my tongue, kissing me hard and demanding and so very alive.

Although it wasn’t my first time with a man, Levi was nothing like Michael. We clashed whereas Mike and I had come together so seamlessly. The question had always been there, silent and soft, but Mike had never pressed me for an answer until the eve of our first expedition. We had gone into town for a last hurrah, so to speak, and somewhere between our umpteenth drink and our last we found ourselves staggering down a darkened alley.

“For luck,” Mike murmured, pinning my shoulders to the wall and pressing his mouth to mine. I yielded to him, let his tongue part my lips as his knee slid between my thighs. After several reeling seconds of inebriated fumbling, Mike pulled back and rested his forehead against mine.

“Stay alive, Erwin,” he whispered, his voice so very far away. “Make your time count.” It wasn’t so much an entreaty as it was a conditional order. In his own way Mike was letting me know that he would never tear away my coveted mask, never force me to utter aloud what he already knew to be true. He loved me despite my silence and I loved him for his quiet acceptance.

The remainder of the evening was spent in a rented room above Charlie’s Chase. I was a bundle of nerves, nearly at a loss at first, but Mike was patient and confident and more than willing to guide me down the path of erudition.

Levi, on the other hand, was something else entirely. Coarse and hungry, he lacked Mike’s finesse but his overwhelming enthusiasm more than made up for it. In a way it was comforting to feel desired again. It reminded me that I was still human.

“Don’t you ever give up?” Levi growled, hooking a leg around mine and flipping me over onto the mattress. He straddled me, pinned my wrists and tossed his head to clear the bangs from his eyes.

Levi was a glorious mess. His gear hung in a half-undone tangle and his shirt was torn where the buttons had refused to come loose. If only he could see himself so flushed and bruised and cheerfully wrecked. It made me smile, which in turn only made him frown.

“Would you still need me if I did?” I asked from my prone position.

“I don’t need you, Erwin,” he said, a faint smile playing about his lips. “You know I don’t need you.” He leaned in then, his hips grinding lightly against mine. “But I do want you,” he added before once again pressing his ravenous mouth to mine.

I returned his fervor, drawing the breath from his lungs as he moaned a string of curses into me. I eagerly swallowed them along with his insecurities, his desperation, his strife. His hold on me relaxed slightly and I took the opportunity to break free. This startled him but he didn’t fight me when I rolled him under me. Our harnesses were dispensed with between rough kisses and softer caresses. When I was done with the grappling and his limpid pleas, I stripped off what was left of his uniform and forced myself into him. I covered his mouth to muffle his cries and though he promptly bit my hand, I didn’t remove it until he tried to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer, deeper. I tore his hands away, pinning them above his head in a vicious grip. I came in him faster than expected, his sweat slick on my skin, his teeth buried in my shoulder. Afterward, without hesitation, I took him in my mouth and let him slam my throat until I was choking on his release.

And then we did it all over again, to the point of ad nauseam. The second time was languid and nearly tender, the third I let him top (he needed it more than me), and the last was more violent than the first because no matter where we ended up, I wanted him to remember how ruthlessly he had begged for the scars. We loved neither in defiance of death, nor in celebration of life, but because all else was ruin.

~*~

A torrid week passed. My days were spent guarding the titan and assisting Shadis while my nights belonged to Levi. It was a strenuous regimen, but not nearly as taxing as abiding Hange’s rabid quest for knowledge. She relished every new discovery and left nothing to the imagination when describing her grisly methods.

“We cut off Gerry’s leg today,” she announced gaily as she settled on the bench next to Levi.

“For fuck’s sake, Hange, can’t this wait until after dinner?” he groaned.

“Agreed,” Mike added, clearing his throat.

I swallowed down some coffee and pushed my plate away.

“So I heard. How’d it go?” I asked, assuming my part as the ever attentive listener.

Levi shot daggers at me from across the table. “Peas in a fucking pod,” he muttered, grabbing a hunk of bread and heading across the mess hall to where Petra Ral sat along with some other members of Mike’s squad.

Mike shifted uneasily next to me but stayed on despite.

“It grew back of course,” Hange continued, wholly unfazed, “which was fascinating to watch up close for a change, but the leg itself was light as a feather. Moblit and I were able to lift it all on our own before it dissolved.”

“Really?” I asked, my gut clenching. “And the regeneration?”

“Well their limbs don’t come back all at once you know.”

“No, I don’t, tell me,” I said drily. Hange practically glowed.

“At first there was just a lot of blood and steam. Nothing unusual there, we’ve seen that much in the field. But then tiny tendrils came creeping out of the stump. They formed the veins and arteries first, and then the capillaries blossomed. The rest followed in the same fashion. Ropes of flesh hardened into bone and muscle and then a milky wash of skin sealed it all in. It was really quite beautiful. You should come around tomorrow and see it for yourself.” She said all this while shoveling food into her mouth and gesticulating wildly. Her exuberance was at once enthralling and terrifying.

“Perhaps I will,” I replied, forcing a smile. “Now that you mention it, though, I actually have guard duty in a little bit. Is your pet’s muzzle still secure?”

“Oh, Gerry’s quite secure,” she assured me. “But…” and here she paused, chewing thoughtfully. “This may sound strange.”

“Try me,” I sneered. There was nothing that she could say that would surprise me, but Hange had become uncharacteristically hesitant. She fidgeted in her seat, eyes flitting anxiously between me and Mike before settling on her half-eaten dinner.

“It’s hard to say, really.” And now she seemed incapable of looking either of us in the eye.

“You, at a loss for words? That’s a first,” Mike teased, knowing that all our precocious companion ever needed was a little goading. He shifted in his seat and I could tell by the way Hange jumped and glared that he had given her a playful kick under the table.

“Well, call me crazy,” she said with a huff, “but he seems kind of lonely.”

“Lonely?” I asked, and really I didn’t mean to laugh.

Mike stole a glance at me from the corner of his eye and I suppressed a curse when his boot connected with my shin.

“Yeah, as lonely as a titan can feel, I guess,” Hange explained. “Sometimes, after the tests are done, I sit with him and talk to him and he seems to hear me. Like _really_ understand me. It’s a one-sided conversation of course, but he watches me so intently. It’s almost as if there’s something he’s trying to convey.”

“He’s probably just hungry,” I muttered into my coffee cup.

Mike shot me another disapproving glare but spared me his boot.

“Probably,” Hange sighed, looking more than a little dejected.

“In any case, I’ll be sure to give Gerry your regards, maybe even tell him a bedtime story or two,” I said, setting my mug down and excusing myself from the table.

Hange called after me and when I turned to meet her gaze her eyes were queerly lit, as if she had hit upon something and needed to say it aloud before losing her nerve.

“What do you think they would say if they could talk?” she asked almost wistfully.

I regarded my friend with an indulgent smile. As clever as she was, she had to know that she was treading on quicksand.

“Mercy, Hange. They would beg us for mercy.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Erwin…”

There was no accusation or tremor in his voice. Levi was perfectly calm, so much so that I was certain my very life depended on what would follow.

It was late when I returned from the clinic and I had carelessly left the door to my room unlocked. I had just removed the bandages from my chest to allow the wounds to heal properly when there was a brisk rap at the door. Before I could respond—we had become far too familiar—Levi had entered. The gashes where the titan’s claws had dug in were already crackling, the steam curling gently in the air between us. There was nothing left to do but hand him the noose and let him decide whether he wanted to hang me or himself.

“Close the door,” I said with a nod, ignoring the look of utter collapse overtaking him.

As casual as possible I rose and crossed to the cabinet. Levi shut the door and skirted past me, keeping as much distance between us as was possible in the small room.

“Whisky?” I called over my shoulder. No response.

I went through the unhurried motions of pouring myself a much needed drink, all the while waiting. The silence coupled with his inaction was unnerving, a threat far more dangerous than any open attack. I turned to find Levi with his back against the partially open window. How practical of him to gravitate toward the only other means of escape in the room.

I continued to ignore him as I crossed the floor and set my glass on the nightstand. The wounds had just about finished healing, the telltale mist already dissipating. The skin still felt raw, though, when I pulled on my discarded undershirt—phantom pains. I settled on the edge of the bed facing Levi, gathered up the used bandages and tossed them into the waste bin. He tensed at the sudden motion and I smiled faintly as I reached for my glass and drank deeply, still not caring to address him yet. With the wounds healed and the whisky aged to near perfection, I was starting to feel a little better. Levi obviously still needed a moment, though, and I let him take his time.

For a while he just stared at me, his lips slightly parted as if his vocal chords had been severed and his mind, now lacking a launch pad, had fled. I would probably have to make the start. So many times I had come close to telling him but my own insecurities had let every opportunity slip away. It was a common misstep, one that had driven Levi into a corner time and again. He had always managed to fight his way out and find his way back to me, though. We had been inextricably tethered to each other ever since the day he had spared me and taken the cadet’s life instead, but now that he was finally faced with the incomprehensible truth I could see him sucking back, viciously cutting his ties to me once and for all. Perhaps that was for the best. Explaining my circumstances to a stranger would be far easier than confessing to a lover that everything between us was a lie.

“I always wondered why you didn’t have any battle scars.” At last he had found his voice, strange and vacant as it was.

“I still wonder at it myself,” I replied, taking another sip of my drink.

“You mean you don’t know?” he asked, blinking away his surprise.

“Oh, I know, it just never ceases to amaze me,” I laughed bitterly.

“Are you some kind of—?” And the look I gave him made him swallow the word back down.

“I’m not the enemy, Levi. The titans aren’t even our enemies. Have you ever even stopped to consider who your true adversary might be?”

His eyes slid over me, top to bottom and back again, as if the answer could somehow be found in my symmetry. Then the fingers of his right hand twitched involuntarily and I reminded myself that he was most likely carrying. The hunting knife was a cruel twist of steel that he always kept on his person just in case. I had removed it myself time and again during our miserably gratifying trysts and knew that the sheath would be latched to his gear harness just beneath the left holster. He’d already calculated the amount of force and speed required to close the gap between the blade and my throat; the only thing left standing in the way was his own morbid curiosity.

“No, of course not. No one does. The crown’s subjects are so consumed with the complications of surviving one day to the next that they never bother to examine the cracks in the walls. Those that do are branded heretics, traitors to humanity. The jails are full of them, most awaiting execution. And the ones with the gumption to fight are sent outside to fatten the titans. It’s quite a neat little arrangement don’t you think?” I quaffed the remainder of my drink and rose to get another, poured Levi one as well. He looked like he could use something to take the edge off.

I crossed the room and handed him a tumbler. Levi stiffened, his whole body braced against the window, coiled like a spring bound by thin restraint. I almost laughed to see him so shaken.

“This can go one of two ways,” I began, careful to keep that itchy right hand in my peripheral. “We can either sit down and discuss things in a civil manner or we can unleash bloody hell on each other. Personally, I’ve already had a rather difficult evening and would much rather talk this out over a few drinks. However, I _do_ understand your natural penchant for wreaking havoc so I’m leaving it entirely up to you.”

A bead of sweat rolled across his temple as his left hand reached for the proffered cup. His fingers lingered over mine as he took the glass, his eyes meeting my gaze unflinchingly.

“I saw you set Hange’s titan loose. You let it attack you and then you killed it. Why?” he asked in a shallow grating timbre.

“That’s not quite where I wanted to start, but…” Levi swallowed half of the whisky in one gulp, his eyes still locked with mine over the rim of the glass. When he finished I reached out and gingerly thumbed the sweat from his temple. He didn’t balk at the touch and I took that as a sign of good faith.

“Where would you like to start, then?” he asked.

“The beginning, of course.”

Levi gave a small nod of assent. He was ready, had been for a long time. He’d only been waiting for me to catch up.

I backed away from him and returned to my seat on the edge of the bed, allowing both of us some space to breathe. The light from the lamp on the nightstand wavered. It was the only light in the room and every shadow dipped and swayed with it, swathing Levi in formless gloom. It was how I had found him on that fateful day in the Garrison jail, and it was befitting now as I let him go. I downed a chunk of my drink and drew a shaky breath.

“Do you remember when we returned from the expedition, and I asked if you believed that the whole world had been overrun by titans?”

“I think you actually said ‘devoured’ but yeah, I remember,” he replied, setting his glass on the windowsill and reaching into his breast pocket for the ever-present cigarette.

“Well, I know for certain that titans are a strictly local anomaly.”

Levi’s brows jumped as he struck the match. The flame flickered, punctuating the twist of interest.

“What makes you so sure?” Cool and smooth. The cigarette sparked to life and he tossed the match out the window.

“Because I never even encountered one until I was eleven years old.”

“No shit.” Deep drag, forceful release. “So I guess you’re not from around here, huh?” he said blandly, as if none of this was news at all, and in a way, that made it easier.

“If you recall from the maps, the tallest peak in the mountain range to the west of the Shiganshina gate is Himmel. I was born in the foothills of that mountain and it isn’t called Himmel. It’s name, the name that I know it by, is Valhalla. It was considered a sacred place, an abode for the gods and heroes of old. My older brother, Heinrich, and I had planned to climb it together and find out the truth for ourselves.”

“Sounds like those plans never came to fruition,” Levi mused.

“No, but sometimes it’s better not knowing the truth,” I said, a grim smile parting my lips. “There were many such beliefs in my homeland, but only one that I ever found a grain of truth in. I still remember the first time I saw your guarded country. Its walls shone like gold in the sunset. From that vantage point it actually did appear to be the Utopia of legend.”

“So your people had stories about us too?” Eyes wide open.

“We did.”

Levi scoffed. “Well whoever told you it was Utopia obviously never made their way inside.”

“I seriously doubt it. In fact, as the story goes, outsiders were expressly forbidden. Fearsome giants guarded the walls, devouring anyone who dared enter their valley. Once in a while some foolhardy pilgrim would pass through our village, wanting to hear the old tales, hoping to glean some clue as to its location. Those who set out looking for it, though, were never heard from again.”

“As incredible as it sounds, it’s actually the first thing you’ve told me that makes any sense.”

“And why’s that?” I prompted, keen to know his mind.

Levi pulled on his cigarette and shrugged. “I’ve known for a while now that you were keeping things from me, but aside from that, you always struck me as kind of…I don’t know…different.”

“How so?”

“Mostly it’s in how you carry yourself. Some of it feels deliberate, put-on. But the rest, the things you’re not conscious of—your mannerisms, your preferences, the way your accent slips when you’re riled up—that’s what really makes you stand out. I think it’s part of the reason why people are drawn to you, even though you’re a fraud and don’t really deserve their regard.”

“Hailing from the outside world isn’t exactly a convenient truth, but you’re right, I am a fraud.”

“Fuck it,” another quick drag, a careless wave, “it’s gotten you where you want to be, right?”

“And where’s that?”

“If your aim really is to bring down the walls then I’d say moving up in the ranks of the Corps is a good place to start. You’re in a position to bring about change, influence the higher-ups, control events.”

“Most of the time I don’t feel in control at all.”

“That’s your own insecurities talking,” he contended, shaking his head. “I’ve been next to you when the gate opens up and while everyone else is shaking in their goddamn boots you charge ahead without any reservations. I actually didn’t know what to make of you at first. I thought you were off your head, but now… Shit, if I were you, locked up in here with us homely fucks 24-7, I’d be eager as hell to get outside too. Out there’s your home.”

“Not anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“My village, it’s gone.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean ‘ _gone_ ’? Did the titans finally make it up there too?”

“In a way.” I looked down at my drink, swirling the amber around in the glass before taking a quick sip.

Levi sighed, exhaling a thick stream of smoke through his nose.

“Son-of-a-bitch.” He stubbed the cigarette out on the windowsill and flicked it outside. Levi crossed the room and sat next to me on the bed, his thigh pressed against mine. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, resting a warm hand on my shoulder and pulling me around to face him. “You don’t have to—”

“You deserve to know, though, so you can make an informed decision for once. Isn’t that what you asked of me before?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think…” He released my shoulder and looked away, scrubbing a hand over his face and cursing under his breath. “Listen, everyone’s got shit in their past that they keep close, and this is way more personal than I expected.” He took the glass from me, set it on the nightstand and wrapped his hands around mine, one thumb worrying the calluses over my knuckles. “Clearly, you’ve got your reasons, Erwin. You don’t owe me or anyone else an explanation.”

“Someone besides me ought to know what we’re fighting for, though,” I insisted.

“This isn’t just about your lost homeland is it?” His eyes dipped warily down to my chest, unable to forget the smoking wound.

“No, that was just the start of my troubles,” I said, pulling my hands free of his.

I drew another deep breath, reached back through the years of regrettable distance that had severed me from my roots, and paused in remembrance. I saw my sleepy village nestled in the dark hills, my brother and I nestled in our beds. I felt the tremors—like the gods themselves were coming down from the mountain—heard the first screams as the horror unfolded.

“They came in the middle of the night driving the titans before them,” I began, the taste of ash strong on my tongue. “Whatever the titans didn’t destroy, they burned. The smoke was already thick in our house when I woke. I thought I was dreaming until I heard my mother calling my name, felt her arms pulling me out of bed. The whole village was out in the street and that was when I saw them—huge and deformed and shoving whatever they could lay a hand to into their hideous mouths. We ran, directionless, panicked, became separated in the stampede. Our father was devoured almost immediately. Heinrich had been holding his hand when he was taken and he held it still when me and mother found him crumpled and sobbing. She wrenched the thing away from him, dragged him to his feet and towed us into a neighbor’s barn that wasn’t yet burning. They had a cellar beneath the floor, a cool place where winter reserves were stored. She hid us there, bidding us to remain brave and silent, promising to return for us later. That was the last we saw of her.”

I was so lost in memory, so lost in the blood sodden streets, that I didn’t even notice the tears dampening my cheeks, but Levi did. He brushed them away, along with the image of my mother’s hard eyes and anemic smile—the last thing I saw before the trap door shut.

“She was a brave woman,” he said quietly. “Brave where you were too young to be. You’re a lot like her in that way.”

“I thought I was a fool and a fraud?”

“You are, but if you get right down to it, hasn’t this place made fools of us all?” His eyes were soft and earnest and searching, ever searching. “Erwin…,” he faltered for a moment, the right words eluding his tongue. “There’s more to the world than just this, but you’re the only one who’s actually seen it. You’ve tasted freedom and defeat and everything between, and whether you come out and say it or not, it’s apparent in everything you do. You lend us your strength when our bravado’s all used up. You give us hope when there is none. We believe because you believe.”

“You shouldn’t place your faith in charlatans, Levi,” I said, allowing myself a small, irresponsible smile as I fingered the badge resting over his heart. “Let alone such cheap propaganda.” I picked up the thread before he could argue further. “We weren’t in the cellar long before the ground ceased its trembling and the cries died out. When the hatch opened again it wasn’t our mother who had come for us but a group of soldiers. They pulled us out of the cellar and marched us out of the barn with their swords at our backs. Outside the last of the titans were being slain, the carcasses dissolving. The soldiers led us through the carnage to a relatively untouched area where several carts were lined up. The wagons were full of children, no adults. The adults had all been slaughtered. When it came our turn to board I balked. No explanation had been given for what had transpired, and though there was nothing left of our village, I certainly didn’t want to be herded off with the rest. Then one of the soldiers struck me, made my mind up for me. The blow sent me reeling, but Heinrich caught me before I fell. He told me to cooperate, to save my ire for when there was something worth risking my neck for. Reluctantly I allowed him to help me onto the cart. When the children had all been corralled, we began our descent into the forbidden valley. We were several days removed from our final destination and during that time I paid close attention to the chatter of our captors. Their language was strange but not entirely foreign. Here and there I picked up a word or phrase that seemed to be a derivative of our own tongue. At one point I grew bold and dared to ask the guard riding closest to us what the emblem on his cloak stood for. He understood me clear enough and replied in kind. I never forgot the words, the embodiment of the greatest lie of them all.”

“The Wings of Freedom,” Levi said, his eyes flaring as he made the connection.

I nodded somberly, glancing over at my own cloak hanging in the corner.

“You’re here for revenge, then?” he asked, not quite trusting the assumption.

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “Nothing as simple as that.” Although there was more than enough room for it in the equation.

“But the Corps murdered your family, wiped your village off the map. How can you even stand to wear the uniform?”

“Because, as you so aptly noted, I can make a difference here. I can turn their fallacy into truth.”

“Still, it must eat at you?”

“And it does. Every. Single. Day.”

Levi turned away from me, propped his elbows on his knees, and studied the floor. His conflict was becoming increasingly palpable. Silently he mapped the sequence of events that only produced more questions than they did answers while I retrieved my drink and took a generous swallow.

“Did the Corpsmen bring you and the others inside the walls?” he asked, attempting to fill one of the numerous gaps between who I had been and what I had become.

“I didn’t make my way inside until some time later. The Corps took us to a fortress, one that you’re quite familiar with.”

“The one where we captured the titan?” Eager to make the pieces fit.

“Close, but, no, it was the one from your first expedition. The one we intended to investigate but never actually made it to,” I admitted.

“You knew!” Umbrage tightening his jaw.

“I had a hunch, but it didn’t really hit home until you told me about your brief stay there and the remains that you had found.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

I dismissed his derision with a passing hand. “Do you even remember who we were back then?” The pallor of his face told me he did. “It’s ok, you weren’t ready and neither was I.”

“Did Evette know?” he asked abruptly.

Naturally he wanted to know if there was anyone else that I had confided in. Evette was the obvious choice, Mike a close second—though I suspected Michael had already drawn his own conclusions over the course of our friendship and trusted me enough to let sleeping dogs lie. There had indeed been a time when I had wanted to tell Evette, but imparting such knowledge meant risking our tacit partnership. I could never find it in myself to do that to her, to us. Although now, steeped in hindsight, I regretted my dereliction.

“I told Evette the same half-truths that I’ve told everyone else over the years—that I was born in the mountains above Trost, that my village was lost in a fire and that I begged, bartered and swindled my way into Stohess only to be picked up by the Military Police for petty theft and tossed into an orphanage that was more a prison than it was a shelter.”

“Which is where you claim to have been adopted by the Lukas family.”

“That’s not a claim, that’s the truth.”

“And the rest?”

“All of it is true except for the obvious. I’m not from inside the walls and I didn’t lose my family in a fire.”

“And you’re not a true Smith.”

“I may not be a bastard, but I am an orphan.”

“Yeah, but you came here with your identity intact. You threw away your name and have been hiding in plain sight ever since.”

“Hiding? Who ever said anything about hiding?” I allowed the corner of a smile to curl around the question. Levi immediately recognized his misstep. “It’s true, the name is a ruse that I employed after coming inside, however, hiding implies cowardice. It puts us on the same level as the men that we seek to elude and I like to think that we’re better than them, don’t you…Levi Ackerman?”

I hadn’t planned on calling him out unless it was absolutely necessary but I couldn’t just overlook the slip. Even though I still desired his fealty, I didn’t want it unless it was given without artifice.

“Where did you learn that name?” Cramped and dry, the growl of a cornered animal.

“Did you forget that I have eyes and ears in Mitras?” A gentle reminder.

“Nile and Andre.”

I nodded my admission. “It wasn’t all that difficult finding you out. A few discreet inquiries, a greased palm or two, and I knew exactly where my eager new cadet was coming from.” I polished off my whisky and rose from the bed, placing the empty glass on the nightstand before taking up residence in Levi’s former spot by the window. “Turns out I’m not the only one who’s been dodging his past.” I leaned back against the ledge, crossed my arms and let the acid simmer.

“Don’t pretend to know me, Erwin. That will be your last mistake.” All venom and locked down violence.

“I don’t have to pretend at what I already know to be true.”

“And what is it that you _think_ you know?”

After that, the words ran off my tongue in a rapid stream. Despite my ability to regenerate at a remarkable rate, I was not unbreakable and the men who had hired Levi knew that. My only hope now was to stall him and daunt him and perhaps, if luck favored me, draw him deeper into my confidence.

“You were born in the underground city to a whore named Sarah Ackerman. She passed while you were still at a tender age and you were taken in by your uncle, Kenneth Ackerman, who, aside from being a member of the Military Police, ran a black-market operation selling arms and maneuver gear. You worked for him for a number of years and then—here’s where it gets tricky—you turned on him. I confess, the particulars are unclear so I can only assume it was a personal vendetta.” I paused in my narrative, allowed him room to interject, but Levi didn’t budge. His lips remained sealed in a thin grimace while I soldiered on.

“After cutting ties with your uncle, you cast your lot with another gang and built up a rather nefarious reputation for yourself, until of course that fateful day when your associate fell into the hands of the Military Police. Bounties were issued, by dear Uncle Kenny no less, and over Maria you went. Eventually you made your way back inside, but the Garrison caught up with you before your uncle’s cronies did, and you landed in the jail at Shiganshina pending execution. Have I got it right so far?”

Levi just glared.

“There are just two things that I want to know, Levi. Why did you turn on your uncle back then and what has he offered you now in exchange for my head?”

“How long have you known?” Flat but not yet defeated.

“I initially asked Nile to look into your history after Evette’s death.”

“I didn’t murder her, Erwin. You have to know that.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t then, and what Nile uncovered only further compelled me. Kenny was present at the meeting at Charlie’s, wasn’t he? He and Yeager paid Boroi for his cooperation with the pox study but when they didn’t succeed in obtaining either of us Kenny approached you and cut a deal.”

“You’re right. You’re always right,” he conceded, his shoulders softening, the anger puddling out of him. He almost looked relieved to finally be exposed. “Kenny _was_ at Charlie’s with Yeager. It shocked the shit out of me, made me wonder what in the hell Boroi had gotten himself mixed up in. I don’t believe that he had anything to do with our names ending up on the donor list, though. Kenny wouldn’t have shared any ulterior motives with either him or the doctor. I wasn’t provided with much to go on myself.”

“What exactly did he tell you?”

My guess was nothing. Even though Levi was a professional at concealment he was still too hungry for answers. Of course that could all just be part of the act, but if he did indeed know more than he was letting on, things probably would have escalated long before now. Gods know as of late he had had numerous opportunities to acquaint me with his blade. A scene from the prior evening replayed itself in stark detail—the curl of his body against mine, the mist in his eyes, the drowsy luster of his voice when he asked if he could spend the night. I still wanted so much to believe that there was some part of him that hadn’t yet been bought.

“Kenny caught up with me over the winter holiday. Headquarters was a ghost town. Most everyone was on leave, including you.”

And why did I suddenly feel guilty for that? Would my presence have made any difference? Probably not. Besides, Nile wouldn’t let me refuse his offer of spending the holiday with him and his new family. He had even gone through the trouble of sending an escort to accompany me on the road, which at the time seemed excessive, but perhaps even then he had read trouble on the horizon.

“It was still early into the break when a courier showed up with a letter from my uncle. He wanted me to meet him in town that evening, said he wanted to reconcile the past. It was complete bullshit,” an irritated flick of the wrist, “but I knew that if I refused he’d just find another way to get to me, so I went. Kenny was alone when I arrived at the inn, no Unicorn muscle to back him up or anything. He didn’t hesitate to get right down to business either, not that we were ever all that cozy to begin with.”

“Do you mind explaining the bad blood between you?”

Levi frowned at the interruption. “Only if you explain why in the hell he wants you dead.”

“Fair enough.”

It was a bit of a standoff for a moment, each of us waiting for the other to yield. It was Levi who ultimately acquiesced.

“Kenny and my mother were born in the underground to a family that was little more than a pack of mongrel dogs. Sarah was sold off to a whorehouse before she even took on the likeness of a woman. Kenny ditched the slums for the military as soon as he was of age and never looked back. He worked his way up by whatever means necessary and made a comfortable life for himself. He had influence, connections. He could have saved my mother—arranged for her passage to the surface, paid for her treatment—but he didn’t. He was my only known relative and was given custody of me when she passed. Even though he didn’t really want me, turning me away wasn’t exactly an option. We played house for a little while, just to keep up appearances at first, but that got real old real fast. He sent me back to the underground to live with some of the scum that helped run his little side business. He said I would at least be of use there, ‘cause gods know that sending me to school and actually raising me proper wasn’t of any benefit to him. The crew that I landed with didn’t treat me like family by any means. I had to hustle just like everyone else in order to survive. You’ve lived on the streets so I don’t think I have to take you on a tour of the road I’ve been down.”

I nodded in agreement. Mutual hardship bonded us and I suppose it accounted for at least some part of why Levi was still willing to entertain me.

“One night when Kenny came down to check on business, the goons all got together for their usual poker game. During these games I was often asked to hang around—keep their glasses full, light their cigars, that sort of thing. This night proved no different. When they were all comfortably in their cups, I slipped a little something extra into Kenny’s, and then I slipped out the back door. He’s been hunting me ever since.”

“You poisoned him?” And now it was my turn to be stunned. Levi rolled his eyes.

“I know, underhanded, gutless, whatever,” another irritated wave. “It was stupid, but at the time I was still just a stupid kid. How was I supposed to know that the bastard would survive it?”

“And you wanted desperately to even the score for Sarah.”

“Yeah, for Sarah,” he murmured, looking suddenly very small and very broken. “She used to write to Kenny from time to time, but knowing her, she probably never asked for a thing. She just wanted to know that her little brother was doing ok. It didn’t matter that he never responded, she still wrote. I think she felt that as long as the letters weren’t returned unopened it meant that he hadn’t disappeared completely, that there was still hope. I never forgave him for letting her die in that trap, for denying us both the chance at a fresh start.”

“Isn’t that what I gave you when I took you out of the jail? The chance at a fresh start?” I asked carefully.

“Yeah,” the grin split open like a wound, “but you turned out to be just as crooked as Kenny. He said that you weren’t what you appeared to be, that you were a fugitive in hiding, a radical, a threat to our very existence. Assassinating you would be of great service to the crown and in exchange I would be pardoned of all my former crimes. Kenny even promised to let go of our old grudge. I almost told him to shove the pardon up the King’s ass but I had no idea what kind of ambush would be waiting for me on the road if I refused. And with everyone on leave for the holiday, who would notice if I went missing? I wouldn’t even be considered truant for another week.”

“So you accepted his offer.”

“I told him that I needed time, that I could probably make it happen during our next expedition—rig your gear, feed you to a titan, whatever. But it was a bad winter and we didn’t get outside again until recently. It gave me too much time to think. I was ready to come clean, tell you the whole thing, but then you asked me to kill Boroi and it got me wondering if there wasn’t some truth to what Kenny said. And after everything I’ve seen tonight…well, let’s just say that the odds aren’t exactly stacked in your favor, _Smith_.” He bit into the name with an unapologetic sneer. Levi didn’t need to be forgiven, he needed a reason to not finish the job.

“Brandt,” I corrected.

“What?” Brows pulled in tight over the terse clip.

“My name, Levi, it’s not Erwin Smith.” A shadow slipped over the long neglected grave and my blood ran cold. I forced the words out on an icy breath. “My name is Torsten Brandt.”

The crease between Levi’s brows smoothed out and he regarded me with fresh eyes.

“Torsten,” he echoed, testing the roll of it across his tongue.

I hadn’t been Torsten to anyone, not even myself, in a long time, and the way he said it—frankly, without reservation, as if it was the only name he had ever known me by—lacerated me.

“Erwin was my father’s name,” I added, before he could think to ask.

“Torsten Brandt,” again, the lucent toll of a bell, and it was all too much.

“And now that you know my name, you’d be wise to forget it.”

“And why’s that?” he drawled.

“Because if I ever hear it repeated, I promise you, it will be your end.”

Levi only seemed amused by the threat. “Fine, so long as you forget that I’m an Ackerman.”

“Agreed,” I said, returning his coarse grin.

“So what’s the deal with you and Kenny, anyway?” he asked, toeing the line, a little more self-assured, a little more smug. “You must have pissed somebody off big time for there to be a hit out on you.”

“Kenny’s just a middle man following orders. I’m sure it’s the inner council that wants me dead; although Yeager would probably much rather have me taken alive.”

“Yeager? What’s he got to do with it?” He really had no idea what he was asking and in a way I pitied him.

“The pox study is a farce, a front for his...titan studies.”

“Titan studies? I thought Hange was the expert? Shouldn’t he be collaborating with her instead of—?”

“They’re human, Levi.” The words passed mechanically, their effect dizzying.

Levi’s whole body jerked as if caught in mid-freefall by the hitch and reel of gear wires.

“Human?” Barely a whisper, his eyes wide and blank as every kill magnified itself on the lens of his conscience.

“Yes, human, like you…like me.”

_Like me._

I hardly felt that I had the right to profess such a thing and Levi apparently agreed. “Humans don’t heal like titans, Erwin.” Once again falling back on the wary contempt that had shielded him thus far.

“I wasn’t always this way. I wasn’t always…” _Aberrant_.

“What in the hell happened to you?” he pressed, although he didn’t really sound like he wanted to know.

“The fortress, the bone-yard that you camped in, that was Yeager’s old research facility. He turned humans into titans there.”

“Gods,” Levi breathed, horrified eyes sliding across my chest, seeking out a wound that was no longer there.

“The place was already full of children when we arrived. Some had been there for over a month, others only a few days. None of us really understood what was going on. There was a lot of misinformation floating around. I’m sure some of it was disseminated by the staff, but much of it was our own fearful speculation. Every time another child disappeared a fresh batch of rumors cropped up. Heinrich never let me give up hope, though. He was determined to escape and we befriended several others who were of a like-mind. Three in particular became close allies: Annie, Berthold and Reiner. They were from a village further east along the range and had arrived about two weeks prior. They had had time to observe the patterns in the change of guard and had garnered the sympathies of some of the staff. They were ready to make a break for it as soon as a window presented itself.”

“So you did manage to escape then?” he asked, still eyeing me as if I was a creature born out of his worst nightmare.

“We did, but not before we were all changed,” I explained through the clench of spasms rapidly taking possession of my right arm—the damn thing had never been right since. I pulled the offending limb tight across my chest and massaged the shoulder. Levi noted my distress but held his tongue.

“Nothing too out of the ordinary occurred at first. The clinicians drew a lot of blood and monitored our vitals while the rest of the staff saw to our care. The Corps was there too. They kept the titans out and us in. Even though we were well cared for, we were never allowed to forget that we were prisoners. Just when we were getting used to the daily routine, the injections started. Whatever was in that vial tore through me like a wildfire. It burned away everything that I was and built it back up new. I was sick for days while the clinicians came and went—scribbling their notes, mopping my brow, pricking me with needles. I wasn’t even aware of what was happening to me, let alone the others. For days all I knew was pain and then as abruptly as it started, it stopped. I didn’t see the changes in myself until I saw them in everyone else. Bert had grown impossibly tall. Reiner had filled out tremendously. Annie’s reflexes became deadly in their precision. Most disturbing of all, though, was Heinrich’s metamorphosis. Physically he appeared untouched, but there was something off about him. He seemed distracted, cloudy. One minute we would be conversing normally and the next he would sort of glaze over; look right through me as if he didn’t even know me.”

My brother’s azure eyes peered dimly at me through the haze of memory, their tenacity waning.

_Really, I’m fine, Torsten, never better._

_Just hold on. We’ll get out of here, I swear. Just promise me you’ll hold on a little longer._

_Of course, where would I even go?_

_I don’t know, just…please…_

_The mountain is high…so very high…_

“His decline was rapid, his lucidity replaced by an insatiable hunger. During meals he would eat until he vomited and then he would eat some more. No matter how much he consumed, though, it was never enough.”

“Where’s Heinrich now?” Levi asked, his voice almost failing him. He already knew, but he needed confirmation just as desperately as I needed to confess.

“We were both taken on the same day for what they called ‘selective exploratory procedures’. Instead of taking me to the usual examining room, they gave me an injection that paralyzed my limbs. I couldn’t move but I was still fully cognizant. After the drug took effect, they carried me to an operating theater. There were clinicians observing from the balcony and several Corpsmen posted on the outskirts. I was terrified when they laid me down on the table. There were heavy chains on the floor on either side and an assortment of instruments next to it—tools similar to those that a butcher might use to take apart game. I was never more aware of how powerless I was or how dire our situation. And then Yeager went to work on me.”

“Was that the first time you saw him?” Levi interjected, swallowing drily.

“No, the first time was shortly after our arrival. He interviewed each of us individually and administered various tests which I suppose aided in the assessment of our intelligence and personality.”

“He was looking for something specific…and you and your brother made the cut.” Grim conclusion.

I nodded slowly, let him absorb and soak while I attempted to assert control over my quaking nerves.

“And when the time came to test my ability, the man himself performed the operation. He made small cuts at first, just to test the flesh. When he was satisfied that the wounds were healing properly, without so much as a scar, he started taking other pieces of me. He taught me what pain really was. The worst of it wasn’t even physical. It was the knowing, the cold realization that I was powerless against my tormentor. And just when I thought I had lost everything, I realized the devil wanted more, and he felt no pain, no remorse, as he systematically tore me apart. First he took a finger, then a hand. I cursed each piece as it regenerated, tried to will it to stop, tried to will the life to run out of me, and when that didn’t work I prayed. I prayed to every god I knew, begged them to let me die there on the table. But my gods proved impotent, and so I bore witness to it all until finally the whole arm went. I don’t know what was worse, watching Yeager butcher me, or the horror of actualizing what I had become. I couldn’t endure it, I succumbed. Gods only know what else he claimed while I was out. When I woke up again I was back in my cell, I was whole, but Heinrich was gone. I didn’t see him again until the night of our escape.”

“How did you get out of there?” Mortified but still rapt.

“Annie, Bert, Reiner and I organized a revolt. It didn’t go exactly as planned, though. The place fell into riot. Most of the children were massacred by the Corpsmen who served as our guards but when the fortress began to burn, everyone, staff and Corps included, fled. Some of the children were still trapped in their cells and they burned along with Yeager’s lab. I took the swords off a dead guard, hacked my way out of there and regrouped with the others outside. That was when we found Heinrich.”

“He made it out, then?” Levi asked apprehensively, as if he was afraid to let himself hope.

“Not quite. We found Heinrich chained in the courtyard but he wasn’t my brother anymore.” A howl rose in the back of my mind, a cry that would forever stalk my dreams and claw its way free from the throat of every abomination that fell beneath my blades. “He was a titan. The first titan I ever killed.”

“Erwin…” Levi motioned for me to stop but his discomfort meant nothing. It had to be told, if only this once. I had denied it all for so long— _my family, my country, my very name_ —and we deserved better than to be locked away forever in shame.

“There was still a piece of him left in there somewhere, a piece that recognized me, and he begged me to relieve him of his pain. The words came out garbled, as if he couldn’t get his tongue to work right, but it was, without a doubt, his voice that said, ‘Kill me…please, kill me.’ It was all he could manage, but it was enough. During our journey down from the hills I had seen titans felled by the Corps; I knew their weakness. And when Heinrich bowed his head to the ground, exposing the nape of his neck, I gladly bestowed upon him the mercy that the gods had denied me.”

“I’m sorry, Erwin,” his voice wavered, tears standing in his eyes. “I…I had it all wrong. I had you all wrong.”

“I should have told you sooner.”

“I can see now why you didn’t,” he said, picking my glass up off the nightstand and crossing to the cabinet.

Levi stood with his back to me for a time, poured and sipped and pondered. I flexed the remaining pins and needles out of my joints and awaited his judgment. When he turned back around his eyes were red, his lashes wet, but his voice was firm.

“So what happened after? Is that when you finally made your way inside the walls?” My second understood that there was nothing he could say to erase the blight and I suppose asking me to continue was his way of offering to help carry the load.

“The four of us dodged the titans for a while but…” Of everything, this was perhaps the most difficult part to admit. “Eventually we realized that we could become titans ourselves. And then we fought them. Devoured them. Subsisted off of them.” The sweet black taste still lingered and as much as I tried to deny it there were indeed times when my stomach roiled with a nauseous hunger that was impossible to sate.

“ _Wait_ , you can turn into a titan? You’ve _eaten_ titans?” And there was true fear in his eyes.

“Yes, Levi. We did what we had to…to survive.”

“How…?”

“We discovered our power quite on accident, but over time we all learned to manipulate the trigger and the regeneration as well.”

Levi dissolved into hysterics. “That’s not what I meant…fuck…Erwin, how do you live with yourself? You’ve eaten people, you—”

“Don’t you think I tried to forget!?” I heard my voice escalating beyond reason but no longer had the will to contain the outrage whittling away at my control. “I buried my guilt along with my name! The second I stepped foot inside these walls I _became_ Erwin Smith. But as soon as I discovered that the Corps was here too, that the very infrastructure of this place was fostering the nightmare that had birthed my identity, it all came back. That _thing_ lives and breathes in me still and I’m losing to it, Levi, I—” I stumbled as I realized that my anger had gotten the better of me and half of what I had said had been blurted out in my native tongue.

Levi blinked at me with a confused mixture of concern and dismay.

“It’s ok, just please, remember where you are,” he said softly, his eyes imploring, tugging at all the right strings at once.

I drew a deep ragged breath and reined myself in.

“What happened to the others? Where are they now?” he asked, steady and quick.

“We separated after we came inside the walls, figured it would be safer than traveling together in case anyone came looking for us. Annie refused to follow us inside, though. She was determined to stay free, to make it back to the mountains and scour the range for remnants of our people. I have no idea if she found anything or if she’s even still alive. As far as I know Bert and Reiner are still here…somewhere. I can only hope that Yeager hasn’t caught up to them too.”

Levi exhaled and rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes crinkling at the corners as his mind ticked over the facts. Finally he leaned the heels of his palms back against the cabinet and leveled me with his usual calm.

“You should tell Hange,” he concluded, but Zoe was last on my list of confidants. She was too close, too dangerous.

“Why? So she can tear me to pieces like Yeager did? No, Levi, no one can know about this.”

“But it could change everything,” he insisted, desperate for a solution. “Maybe she can find a way to reverse what’s been done, make the titans human again. If anyone can do it, Hange can, and besides she’s your friend, Erwin. She’d follow you to hell and back. She would never do anything to hurt you.” He wanted to help, but he was headed in the wrong direction.

“Right now the only thing that can amend what’s been done is the blade.”

“Is that why you killed her titan, to keep her from discovering the truth?”

“I want Hange to discover the truth, but I want her to come by it on her own. One day we’ll capture another titan without the aid or influence of the interior, and when that time comes I’ll do everything I can to steer her research. The titan that I killed was never hers to begin with. It was acquired as part of the deal that Yeager made with Boroi. Shadis informed me a couple of days ago that he had received orders from the interior to move the titan to a facility inside Rose. Guess who is running the facility.”

“The Public Health Department, of course,” Levi huffed.

“Exactly. And Shadis asked me to lead the transport squad.”

“So he’s involved too?”

“No,” I smirked. “He picked me because he’s afraid of Hange.” And we both laughed because it was true. “He knows we’re close and he figured if the news came from me it would soften the blow. His first choice was naturally Zacharius but Mike’s squad is still working without a second so Keith asked me to handle both the transport and Zoe.”

“So you staged the titan’s break to keep it from falling into Yeager’s hands.”

“That and—”

“You were afraid that this was one mission you wouldn’t be coming back from,” he added gently.

“If you were me would you want to get anywhere near that place?”

“Fuck no, I don’t blame you. You’re brave but you’re not stupid,” he said, shaking his head. “So I’m assuming that despite their mutual interests, Hange isn’t aligned with Yeager?”

“Do you think she’d still be alive if I thought she was?” I retorted.

“No, of course not,” he snorted. “On the other hand though, Boroi had you removed from the donor list, he protected you and yet you still had me kill him.”

“Honestly, I’m not entirely certain that Boroi knew about my past. I was never able to ply the truth out of him. But he said something once…” I recalled the hard press of Alex’s words.

_Remember your name and be true to it until the last._

Did he know that those few words would mean his death?

“In the end, it was a risk I couldn’t take.”

“So who’s your next target? Kenny? Yeager? You say you’re not here for revenge, but...”

Levi was indirectly asking for reassurance and at this point I was more than eager to give it.

“I promise you, Levi, no matter what happens, whether you are a member of the Corps or not, Kenny will never reach you.”

“Guys like Kenny, though, there’s always somebody waiting to take their place.”

“I sincerely doubt that your uncle or any of the rest really wants to test me. I escaped the lab early into my transition so Yeager is probably still unsure of my full capabilities. At this point I’m an unknown factor that is beyond their control. They can’t very well expose me because it would mean exposing themselves. The best they can do is try and eliminate me but they can’t do it themselves and that’s where you came into play. As my lieutenant you’re the closest to me, but you’re also a skilled Corpsman. If I changed into a titan, you would at least still be able to put me down. The MPs are ornamental at best. None of them has fought a titan. None of them _wants_ to fight a titan, and as far as I can tell, the Corps is no longer involved in their maneuvers. Do you see now how conveniently you figured into their plan?”

“Of course. They played me,” he said, ducking his head and chuckling darkly. “That whole bit about the pardon was probably bullshit from the start.”

“They’ve played us all, but one day there will be a reckoning. Yeager and his conspirators will be exposed as the true monsters and we’ll get out from behind these walls. I can’t bring them down alone, though.”

Levi’s eyes lifted to mine, bright and sharp.

“Do you have a plan?”

“No, but I didn’t have a plan when I first arrived at Yeager’s lab either.”

“Yeah, but that all went to riot. A civil war here could mean the end of thousands of innocent lives.”

“A properly executed coup, though...” I offered.

“You think Shadis’ll get on board?” he replied with a jerk of his chin.

“Keith won’t even be a factor by then.”

“What about the Unicorns and the Garrison?” Already he was taking to the idea.

“Nile is on his way up and the Garrison/MP alliance has always been strong. Pixis won’t put up a fuss as long as his bread is buttered.”

“You know, Commander, for someone who doesn’t have a plan—”

“Commander?” I shot back.

“Why not?” A sly conspiratorial lilt accompanying his grin.

“I thought Mike—” But Levi did not share my opinion.

“Mike? Yeah…no. The only way this’ll work is if you clinch the seat. Mike wouldn’t want it anyway.”

“He’s a natural leader, though.”

“Yeah, but he’s too…” an indifferent shrug, “you know…modest.”

“And I’m not?”

“Gods, Erwin,” eyes rolling in exasperation, “who the fuck do you think you’re fooling? The Corps needs an arrogant bastard running things for a change. That qualification alone makes you perfect for the job.”

“That’s not exactly sound reasoning.” I wasn’t sure whether to be offended or not, but then again, Levi’s compliments usually came on the back of his hand.

“Yeah, well, we’re not dealing with reasonable men. The Corps is unpopular even in the best of times but, like I said before, people are drawn to you. You’ve got charisma and the steel to back it up. Not only did you survive the meat grinder but you came out fighting. You’re the only one of us who is fighting for something real.”

“And you?” I asked cautiously.

“My influence in the underground is far from what it used to be but I’ll do what I can to rustle up some support. It shouldn’t be hard. The crown isn’t exactly popular down there as is.”

“That’s not what I meant, Levi.”

And then the dagger was drawn, but not against me. Levi pressed the tip into his left palm, slashing it open with a deft flick of the blade. He crossed to where I stood and reached for my left hand. Our eyes met and I gave him a quizzical frown.

“It’s how we do things down below,” he explained as he split my palm and then pressed our wounds together, locking down our fate. “There, now we really are brothers." The regeneration began and Levi tightened his grip. “Don’t let this one heal, Torsten. Keep the scar as a reminder of our pact.”

“Accomplices till the end, then?” I asked, no longer able to suppress the ache in my chest.

“Till their wrong has been put right.”

“And when Maria’s shadow is just a memory?”

Levi granted me a smile, an honest one, the one that came freely without chagrin.

“Then we’ll lay down our swords and grow old and forgetful together.”

“So long as you never forget me.”

Levi pulled me to him and paused. “Never,” he whispered, the promise melting against my lips.

It was a pledge I couldn’t possibly keep but I let him silence me just the same. I let myself believe because he believed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to my editor for listening to my ramblings and poking me for updates and for generally being an honest friend...don't hate on me for dangling prepositions! LOL ;)


	14. Chapter 14

I glanced back at the sound of my name, my hand on the door, my orders already given.

The morning light split the fog, bathing the office in shafts of tarnished gold. Erwin lifted his eyes from his work and once again I was amazed at how that cool shot of blue still had the power to captivate me and cripple me and leave me wanting.

“Thank you,” he said, simply, softly.

“For what?” I asked, fully aware that the words would remain unspoken even though they had always been understood.

His eyes dropped back down to the desk, his only answer a knowing smile. And maybe it was a trick of the light, but just then he looked strangely innocent, as if the world hadn’t long ago flayed him open and gutted out the better part of his humanity.

That was the last time I had seen Erwin and it wasn’t how I wanted to remember him, not when we were so close to being free. I wanted...I still wanted…

~*~

Hange and Moblit had come barreling into the safe-house, breathless and wild and all but stripped by the road. The kids had climbed over each other in their rush to embrace them while Hange’s anxious eyes sought me out. The emerald glint of the bolo hanging from her neck hooked my attention as Eren’s arms enveloped her.

There was no denying it, she wore the noose well.

Zoe called after me, flinging out a hand to clutch my jacket as I pushed my way through to the door. I almost shrugged her off, but that would have been cruel, and from what I could tell she had already been dealt a brutal hand.

“Is he dead?” I asked, all eyes suddenly riveted on me.

Hange stiffened.

“No. Not yet,” she answered woodenly.

“ _Not yet?_ What the hell does that mean?” I barked over the confused murmurs of my squad.

Hange tightened her grip on my arm and shoved me outside, slamming the door behind us.

“It means they arrested him,” she snapped, finally releasing me. “Gods, Levi, what did you expect?”

It was true, the clock had always been against us, but still…

“Levi?” Hange, so near and so lost, her eyes questing. It was a miracle she was even here. “Where did you go?”

I recovered myself, the memory of my last morning with Erwin…with Torsten…fading.

“So they arrested him, but not you and Moblit?”

I didn’t mean to sound resentful but there had never been any walls between us and besides, it took more than mere words to wound Zoe.

“He wouldn’t even let us follow him into Sina,” she explained.

Of course he didn’t. Erwin knew what was waiting for them when he received the summons and had relinquished command before sending her and Moblit back to us.

“So what now?” I cringed inwardly when I heard my voice crack.

“We carry on as planned. He was adamant about that,” Hange said, her own eyes hard and adamant and I hated her for it, her and Erwin both.

“What about Erwin? Is there going to be a trial? Can’t Nile intercede?”

Even as I spoke the words I knew they were useless. Erwin had made his decision long ago and I’d been silently denying it ever since.

Hange took a step toward me, the space between us vibrating.

“I’m sorry, Levi.”

The hand she placed on my shoulder did nothing to level the tilt of the earth, though.

_Sorry? Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry. Not now. Not ever._

“There isn’t going to be any trial. Erwin is going to be executed. Tomorrow. At high-noon.”

And I was done.

Done with her, and the cause, and the lying, and the grieving and the whole ugly mess. Gods forgive me, but in that moment, I would have gladly turned her, and Eren, and all the rest over to the Interior Guard if it meant that I could have Erwin back. It was a spiteful wish and it was spite that brushed Hange’s hand from my shoulder and carried me away.

~*~

The house was quiet, the silence too loud, too pressing. I prepared to leave, painfully aware of every second as it slipped away. Though my horse was young and quick, the miles between here and Sina were hard, and time waited for no man, not even Erwin Smith. I didn’t have a plan but I figured the road would afford something. My only certainty was that I couldn’t let him die, not like this.

It occurred to me that whatever punishment they doled out might not be enough to kill him, but the man was prudent to a fault when it came to concealing his ability, and if I knew the selfish bastard at all, he was probably content to die as a martyr.

Or was it that he simply wanted to die as a man instead of a monster? It wasn’t like he hadn’t already been called that and worse. The propaganda machine had been against him from the very start.

I recalled the grating formality of Erwin’s promotion ceremony—the culmination of all our successes and failures trussed up for the benefit of Sina’s elite. Everyone, friend and foe alike had turned out for the gala in Mitras, offering their phony congratulations while they sharpened their knives. Erwin had played the part of the model servant flawlessly—shaking hands with his enemies and charming potential investors into parting with their precious coin. It was a different man entirely, though, who later in the privacy of our lent quarters, tore out of his dress uniform and flung the jeweled yolk across the room in a defeated rage. No one but me ever saw that man. I was his only vent for the madness that plagued him.

Over the years I did my best to hold us together but something irreparable in him broke along the way. The exact moment is impossible to pinpoint but it occurred some time around the appearance of the Yeager boy and was later compounded by the death of Mike Zacharius. I don’t think Mike ever fully realized how much he meant to Erwin. If he had, he probably wouldn’t have given his life so recklessly. Mike was our commander’s rock as much as I was his coffin of secrets and after he was gone it was as if Erwin had finally been loosed from his tether. He hurled himself forward, dragging us all along with him, and whenever a question was raised it was only met by the resounding drum of war. We soaked our hands in innocent blood and washed them clean with bitter tears until we were both left incurably wounded.

I touched the patch over my right eye and smiled, remembering Erwin’s own reticent grin when Hange had reported on her discovery.

_They’re human…the titans are human._

Took you long enough, Zoe.

Erwin never let his severed arm—the very arm that Yeager had once taken—regenerate and that was perhaps what made him the best and worst commander of all. His loss of limb was but a small sacrifice. He had learned long ago to elevate pain above all else. It defined him, and drove him, and he loved it savagely. His passion roiled beneath a veneer of inscrutable cunning that carried the Corps further than any commander before. And he did it all without ever once entertaining the possibility of using his shifter ability on the battlefield. It was a point of contention between us, one that was hotly debated until the Yeager kid happened upon his own “gift”. Eren became Erwin’s trump card, his red right hand and, above all, the key to his revenge. Both claimed righteousness but were ruled by their desire for vengeance.

The only thing that ever gave either of them pause was the emergence of the other titan shifters. Some sided with us, others did not. The three who had been Erwin’s one-time coconspirators were later discovered among the ranks of the Interior Guard.

After Maria broke, Erwin confessed to having seen Annie in the capital just weeks prior to the fall. He and Nile and Andre were leaving a tavern just as a group of Unicorns was coming in. The soldiers stepped aside to allow their superiors to pass and when Erwin locked eyes with the ghost she saluted and said, “Commander Smith, it as an honor. Your acts of bravery are renowned, an inspiration to us all. Tell me, Sir, if I may be so bold, is it true what they say? Did Humanity’s Strongest really sell his soul to the devil in exchange for luck on the battlefield?”

Never one to be outdone, Erwin replied, “If I’m the devil of which you speak, then yes, it is indeed true, but you should know that it takes more than luck to survive outside.”

“And, dare I say, inside as well. May luck be with you in the coming days, Commander.”

He didn’t want to believe it was her, not when she had been so determined to stay free. That bit of doubt clouded his judgment spectacularly. The warning went unheeded and the whole of Maria’s territory paid the price.

Whether or not his fellow escapees had been conscripted under duress was still a mystery. Bert and Reiner continued to elude us, and though we had managed to capture Annie, she remained sealed in an unbreakable cocoon. Erwin visited her often despite. He would go down in the bowels of the hold and stare at her for hours, wondering at what she had found in her quest and speculating over the circumstances that had finally driven her inside. They were questions he would never have answers to if I didn’t get my tired ass to the capital before—

“Levi!”

I froze, the harsh whisper thwarting my advance, the door just beyond my grasp. I should have known better. Always strides ahead of the rest and just two steps behind Erwin, Hange was no fool.

I sighed and turned to face her. Oddly enough she was dressed as if prepared to leave herself.

“Don’t follow me, Hange. You’re needed here,” I said firmly.

“And you’re not?” she retorted.

“I don’t have time for this.” I pulled the door open and made to leave but Hange was quick and angry and not afraid to flex her muscle. The door slammed shut and my back was up against it before I could say, “Son-of-a-bitch!”

Her hands fisted around my harness straps and she dragged me up to eye level, practically lifting me off the ground.

“Is this how you want to be remembered, Levi? As a fucking deserter?” she hissed, struggling to keep her voice low so as not to alert the others.

“Damn it, Zoe, I’m not deserting. I’m going to bring him back.”

Her eyes softened and she looked at me with such pity and disappointment that I almost hit her. But I’m not the kind of man who raises his hand against a woman, even if that woman happens to be Hange Zoe.

She shook her head in disbelief and relaxed her hold a little, allowing me to slide back down onto my heels.

“Erwin doesn’t need us to rescue him. He needs us to carry on…otherwise…,” she choked, “it will all have been for nothing.”

Moonlight caught on a single tear and it was then that I realized the full weight of her burden.

I hadn’t been there when they had said their good-byes, when she had accepted command in a final act of devotion. It had probably taken every last bit of her will to release him. She had already lost Evette and Mike and countless others to the titans, but Erwin…she had let him go while he was still alive and breathing.

I didn’t envy her position at all.

And when the tears began to flow in earnest, I knew I couldn’t abandon her. Not only would it be going against Erwin’s wishes, but Hange had been my advocate from the very start.

She had strapped me down to that miserable bed in the clinic and worked to save my leg when all of the other medics had written me off. She never treated me like the garbage I was, and even after I had healed she took me into her confidence and poked and prodded until she had me pried open and spilling my insides all over her notebooks. I told her everything about my months spent outside and more. Hange wanted to hear it all, and not just the things that I had learned from observing the titans, but everything. She had recognized my worth when I was too blind to see it myself.

“Don’t go, Levi,” she gasped between sobs.

I pulled her into my arms as my knees buckled and we slid to the floor.

“Is that that an order…Commander?” I murmured, the words catching on the lump in my throat.

She shuddered against me and pressed her face against my neck, her tears soaking my collar. Again her fingers curled tight around my straps and the motion seemed to steady her for a second. Her voice was barely a husk, though, when she whispered, “Yes.”

I turned my face into her hair and pulled her tighter, my own tears finally finding release.


	15. Chapter 15

Footsteps in the hall, a heavy reluctant march. I recognized the cadence immediately and rose from the cot to greet my friend. He hesitated just out of view and drew a shuddering breath to steel himself. Finally, he stepped in front of the cell, unlocked the door and entered—his gaze touching every blemish on my bruised body before settling on my one good eye.

“Hello, Nile,” I said softly, a faint smile splitting open the fresh cut on my lower lip. I felt the warm trickle of blood on my chin but made no move to stop it.

Nile grimaced, reached into his jacket and pulled out a handkerchief. He crossed the cell, cupped my chin in his hand and preoccupied himself with blotting the wound. I suffered his attentions in silence. When he seemed satisfied that the flow had been damned he again lifted his grave eyes to mine.

“You don’t have to go through with this, Erwin,” he murmured.

I removed his hands from my face and took a step back.

“No, but you do. It will solidify your allegiance to the crown and clear you of suspicion.”

“Fuck the crown,” he spat.

“Think of your family, Nile.”

“I am. You’ve been a brother to me. You’re as much a part of my family as—”

“Do you want your children to grow up fatherless? Do you want them to see you executed alongside me? You have to know that’s what it will come to if you don’t comply.”

“It might come to that anyway."

“It won’t, though. I believe in you, Nile, you and Hange both. The coup will still go as planned. You’ve got the Garrison at your back and the underground forces are only waiting for Levi’s word.”

“It isn’t right, though. You should be there alongside us when Historia is restored to her throne and the walls come down.”

“I’ve done all I can here. There won’t be room for my kind in a world without walls.”

“You and your fucking martyr complex...always in such a damn rush to meet your maker,” he scoffed.

Every soldier came up with a narrative to bolster them through their darkest hour, and if that’s what Nile needed to believe to get through this then so be it. The truth was mine to bear…mine and Levi’s.

“Perhaps, but there is a matter that will require your attention after the war is over, something that I will need you to oversee in my stead.”

“Of course, anything, just name it.”

“Once their usefulness has been exhausted, the shifters are to be eliminated along with the rest of the titans.”

“Even our allies? Even Eren Yeager?” he asked, doubt wrinkling his brow.

“Yes, Nile, all of them, even Eren. Bear in mind that the shifters are instruments of destruction, nothing more, nothing less. In the wrong hands, their power can be devastating. They cannot be allowed to infiltrate the outside world. The risk is too great. Levi has his orders, I just need you to ensure that he carries them out.”

Nile nodded in agreement but remained strangely quiet. There was something that wanted saying and I waited patiently for it.

“I was always jealous of you, you know,” he confessed, awkward as ever. “You were never afraid to make the hard decisions or stand by your choices, even when they were… unpopular.” He reached out and fingered my empty sleeve. “You’re everything that I never had the courage to be.”

“Don’t be absurd,” I laughed tiredly.

It stood to reason that after spending a lifetime of negotiating loss I should have been jealous of my friend’s relatively comfortable life, but I wasn’t. Nile had spoken true, my choices, wrong or right, were my own to claim. Even now, as I faced the specter of death, it was my own sure steps that carried me to him.

“My aspirations would have amounted to nothing more than a mad dream without the aid of my comrades,” I reassured him. “Where I faltered, Mike was certain. Whenever I grew jaded, Levi lifted my sword. Hange took up my mantle and you secured Pixis’ trust. You each played your part magnificently and I have no doubt that you will continue to do so.”

“I’m sorry, Erwin,” he said, ducking his head to hide his tears.

“Don’t be,” I replied, winding my arm around his shoulders and pulling him into a strong embrace. “The war is already won.”

 ~*~

The sun was high when they brought me up out of the dungeon and I squinted beneath the hazy glare. The summers here were insufferable compared to my homeland and today the heat seemed especially oppressive, the stagnant air above no better than below. Fortunately, I wouldn’t have to bear it, any of it, much longer.

My head swam as the guards pushed me roughly up onto the platform, taking care to dig their fingers into wounds that itched to heal. Nile was already there, waiting, looking as if he was the one being led to his death. I didn’t spare him a second glance as I took up my spot behind the butcher’s block.

The crier began reading from my list of sins and I couldn’t help but smile as the whole of Mitras howled for justice.

I could have devoured them all right then and there, scooped them up like fish in a barrel and ended their misery. It was too easy, though, a gross satisfaction that I no longer had the taste for.

I scanned the multitude of twisted scornful masks, puzzling over the small dark form cleaving its way through the crowd. The woman made her way to the front of the mob and emerged from the writhing organism like a thing being born. My throat closed on a horrified gasp and for the wildest second I truly believed that I had gone mad.

Evette Renaud approached the platform, her smile brimming with the usual mischief.

I wrenched my gaze from hers and cast a bleary eye out over the crowd.

They were here.

They were all here.

Every fallen soldier, every man, woman and child that I had flung into the jaws of hell was present and accounted for.

My pulse quickened and the blood roaring in my ears became a culmination of victory cries and death throes that shook the foundation of our cursed kingdom from Sina to Maria. Impossibly, I held every pair of eyes at once, their singular vision set upon a future that none of them would see but that they each owned. Fingers fisted over hearts and a sharp pain throbbed in my shoulder as my long-dead phantom limb attempted to return the salute.

My numerous crimes against crown and country accounted for, the crier asked if I had any last words.

Still smiling abysmally, I knelt and rested my head on the block.

My last breath would not be wasted on deaf ears.

Nile stood over me, his hand trembling as he drew his blade, a blade that had never been raised against a titan until now.

“Make it clean,” I muttered, watching him from the corner of my eye.

My friend begged me for one last kindness in return.

“Close your eyes, Erwin.”

I had never been able to and I wasn’t about to start now.

Nile lifted the sword and as I raised my eyes to follow its arc a flash of brilliance distracted me from its path. The hawk’s wings cut through the glare, bronze blazing against blue. It climbed higher and higher still, cresting Wall Sina and then dipping out of sight on the other side. My heart dropped with it.

Mike had once said that regrets were useless in our profession and I suppose they are even more pointless to a dead man, but that didn’t stop me from allowing myself a final indulgence as Nile’s blade came down.

_Forgive me, Levi…please, forgi—_

~*~

“What are you still doing here?” the oddly jovial voice called from somewhere behind me.

“I don’t really know,” I replied without looking back. “Honestly, I can hardly remember why I came.”

The crowd was thinning out but the executioner still stood on the platform, his sharp features set in grim determination. I wondered vaguely at his distress.

“It’s ok to forget, happens to us all. You’ll remember when you’re ready.”

The owner of the voice came and stood beside me then. He couldn’t have been any more than fifteen years old but he was tall and strong with eyes that possessed a wisdom beyond his years. Something about those azure eyes stabbed at my heart, something familiar and sweet and sorrowful. I knew him, but I couldn’t place him and it pained me that I had forgotten him.

“Did you know that man?” I asked, turning away from the youth and watching with bemused curiosity as the headless body was carried down from the platform.

“I did, long ago,” the boy admitted, exhaling a sigh as gentle as the breeze ruffling his sun-streaked hair. “He was a good man,” lips turned up in a rueful smile, “too good for this place.”

“If he was such a good man, why did they butcher him?”

“Because the mob wanted satisfaction,” he shrugged. 

The words struck a chord somewhere in the dim recesses of memory but I couldn’t rouse enough care to follow the tuneless hum. 

My companion, suddenly impatient, clasped my hand. “Come on, Torsten, it’s time to go, everyone’s waiting,” he grinned. 

The touch seemed to awaken something in me and before I could fathom where the name had sprung from it had already passed my lips.

“Heinrich?” 

“Yeah?” he called over his shoulder as he began leading me away from the grisly scene.

“Where are we going?” I was almost embarrassed to ask when his steps seemed so sure and mine so irrationally hesitant.

“To the top of the mountain of course,” he cheered, and the stark music of his laughter rattled me to my core. 

The mountain. Of course. I was a fool for even asking.


	16. Epilogue

It’s been two years since the walls came down and about twice as many since the traitor known as Erwin Smith was executed. Through the years I kept Torsten’s secret close and I let it pass with him. Allowing him to die a human death was at once the simplest of gifts and the greatest of personal sacrifices. 

In the end Hange was incapable of reversing the effects of the titan serum. She confirmed what Erwin had come to suspect in his last days—that the engineered shifters would not be able to sustain their human form forever and the titans as a whole were a loss. One by one the shifters devolved and became just as unpredictable as any other titan. We eliminated our allies after exterminating the rest. Some accepted their end while others fought it bitterly. All were buried in a memorial cemetery near the capital. A statue of Eren Yeager in his Survey Corps uniform stands watch over the site. 

Eren was the first shifter to fight for us and one of the last to die—at the hand of my own blade no less. It was the only time I ever hesitated, the only time I ever willfully allowed another human to be devoured. Moments after his first taste of flesh (his last taste of victory) Eren was felled. I often wonder if Torsten would have found Doctor Yeager’s end fitting. 

Admittedly, I felt more than a little out of place after there were no longer any walls left to rail against, and this time, when I asked Hange to let me go, she granted my request with a light heart. Queen Reiss put up more of a fuss than expected when she heard about my plans to leave the kingdom, but weighted my pockets with enough gold for ten expeditions regardless. All she asked for in return was a regular report of my findings, which was really just her own sentimental heart asking me to remember them with a letter now and then. As if I could ever forget.

The days before my departure were crowded with farewell dinners and last minute preparations. Through the toasts and the toil, one loose end in particular weighed heavily on my mind. Despite my reservations, I made the necessary arrangements for one last good-bye, or rather, hello. 

With some effort Leah Stewart-Harcourt was found and I took her Erwin’s badge as promised. During my visit to her home, I couldn’t help but take note of her eldest child, Mia. She was striking, tall and poised with hair like antique gold and turquoise eyes that sparked when she smiled. Mia joined us for tea and while she was serving, I made some dubious comment about the former commander’s terrible palette which she found beyond humorous. The girl held no reservations with her easy laugh and her knowing smile so resembled Erwin’s that I started and stared until she just as easily composed herself into the flawless picture of grace that had always been his signature. 

Leah didn’t need to explain, and she didn’t offer to. However, when I took my leave after a long and pleasant reminiscence, she bade me to keep the badge, conceding only that she had a memento of her own.

Though the rollicking cliffs that had once been Torsten’s home beckoned, I declined to make the pilgrimage up the mountain. That had been Torsten’s and Heinrich’s journey to make and it felt wrong trespassing on their dream. Instead I made my way to the coast, purchased myself a ship and a crew to sail it. 

Turns out Petra was right, there are indeed seven oceans, and with any luck I’ll live to see them all. 

The sun is setting low now on this, our fourth day at sea. The crew is a rough swarthy bunch but the captain swears by their skill, and more importantly, their loyalty. So far they’ve kept their distance from the “funny little foreigner” who—despite having the means to purchase his own vessel—insists on swabbing the deck himself. 

Most of the men are below said deck now, tucking-in to their dinner while I stand here alone with Petra’s badge in one hand and a match in the other. The old worn fabric burns quick, the ashes taking flight on the salty air. A stray ember lands on the plaque bearing the ship’s name—her name—and I flick it away with a smile.

I still have Torsten’s badge, but I’ll not be burning it. His will be buried with me, so I can return it to him on Valhalla, where I know he is waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to everyone who gave this story a chance and a big hug to those of you who left kudos and comments. In a way this story was a distraction from my own original works, but it was a sweet diversion, and I’m glad I got to share it with all of you.


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